


would that i

by WelcomeToTheBadlands



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Inspired by Looking For Alaska, Inspired by a Hozier Song, Meme Loving Teenagers, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Character Death, Rey (Star Wars) is a Mess, Rey Kenobi, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey is a Hipster Hozier Loving Hoe, Rey's an Aspiring Writer, Supernatural Elements, more tags to come
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-11-07 22:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 23,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17968922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WelcomeToTheBadlands/pseuds/WelcomeToTheBadlands
Summary: Maybe it was comfortable to know that one day I would return to the dirt where I belong, and know that I would rest again until I am needed. You might ask me when I would return, when would I feel that I am needed again? The answer is simple, I am needed when my love calls for me. Only then would I return.***Rey is the only nice popular girl in school who takes Ben under her wing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Werewolf_Queen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werewolf_Queen/gifts), [Shattered_Reality](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shattered_Reality/gifts).



 

_ Maybe it was comfortable to know that one day I would return to the dirt where I belong, and know that I would rest again until I am needed. You might ask me when I would return, when would I feel that I am needed again? The answer is simple, I am needed when my love calls for me. Only then would I return.  _

***

Rey had always considered herself a pragmatist, with the way she was living when she was at  Unkar’s  group home she had to be. Nothing around her allowed for the luxury of being romantic, of hoping that there was a better life for her out there. Then she got adopted by a man by the name of Ben Kenobi. Rey was pretty sure the reason he adopted her was because he had never had the chance to have a child, and as the man grew old and grey, he wanted to do one last thing. He wanted to be there for a child, be the reason that that child succeeded. 

Rey  was enrolled in a boarding school that looked more like a vacation resort than a school. Complete with its own golf course, lake, and separate rec center with a pool. He had told her that he wanted her to flourish, and that he would support her through everything, no matter what came her way. Rey didn’t know how to respond to that, but she tried to flourish in any way possible. She had made quite a name for herself within the first year of her being there. 

Being known as the girl that was kind and smart and talented until you decided to piss her off. It was like half of the student population hated her, and the other half of the student population loved her to bits and pieces. Rey didn’t care about whether she was liked or not though, at least not by the students. It was her teachers that she was out to impress, she needed connections for when she graduated, and that was the best way to get connections. 

It was freshman year that Rey had signed up for a Creative Writing class, at first, she thought that she would regret it when she walked in to class. She could already tell that her teacher, Mister Skywalker, was going to be an asshole. She just got that vibe from him that she didn’t know how to describe. At the beginning of class, she was right. Whenever she would read things, he would tear it to shreds, or let someone else do it and offer her no sort of support or constructive criticism whatsoever. 

Finally, Rey had had enough of it and said in class. “Are you going to shit all over me more or are you actually going to give me something useful to improve my writing?” Everyone in the class went silent. There were a few awkward laughs, but she could tell that she had shocked the man enough to get him to realize just how much of an asshole he was being. Twenty minutes later he asked if she would stay after class. At the time she hadn’t met Finn or Poe yet, so she didn’t have any moral support. She spent the rest of the class dreading the conversation that was going to be had, and when the bell ring, she wanted to throw up. 

Rey waited for everyone to clear the classroom and watched as Luke closed the door. There was an awkward pause before Rey opened her mouth, “I’m sorry for talking back to you in class, that wasn’t nice. I need how to accept criticism and I’m sorry.” Luke glanced at her with an unreadable look on Rey’s face that made her nervous. 

“Let’s go sit,” He told her.  So  they did, they sat down at Luke’s desk and he started to speak. “I don’t think that it should be you who’s apologizing Rey.” Rey didn’t expect for that to happen. “I was being too hard on you and that’s unfair.” 

“Right,” She said. 

“I just wanted you to realize that you’re not writing at your full potential.” Rey was going to open her mouth to say that if she wasn’t writing at her full potential, he could’ve told her in a way that didn’t result in him tearing down her self-esteem, and that it was pretty shitty of him to think that the only way to get his students to write better was to be an asshole nonstop. “When I read your writing, I can tell that you’re well read, that you like writing and you don’t just take this as an easy class to graduate, do you know what I mean?” 

“Yes, sir.” Rey said. “But there are still better ways with communicating with your students than being so mean that you make them doubt themselves when they’re trying to write things for critique, I’ve gone to my dorm after your class and cried because of how rude you’d be to me during the day. That’s not a fun experience and no good teacher makes someone cry like that.” 

“I was only trying to get you to realize--” 

“I really don’t care what you were trying to get me to realize,” She told him, “I’m a human with feelings, when given criticism, I would like respect. You tell every other student positive  things  about their work when critique rolls around, I would like the same courtesy extended to me.” She got up. “Now can you write me a pass to my next class.” Luke opened his mouth to say something, but probably decided that it was best not to. 

After that, things started to look up in that class. Her writing improved and Luke would comment on that, if he commented on her writing at all. With Creative Writing class getting better, so did other things. It was near the end of freshman year where she had met Finn and Poe. Both of them were there on a scholarship, and were probably the only two guys that Rey genuinely liked at the school. 

They were also, so, so gay. 

Well Poe was bisexual, but still. 

With Poe and Finn giving her dating advice, Rey also became the one girl that almost every guy in the school wanted to date. Rey went out with them too, but not because she wanted to, but because she was bored. 

It wasn’t until sophomore year that she met Ben Solo. 

***

_ In a way, I knew that I was looking for you all along, and when I saw you it just clicked. As did the despair, because I knew that I could not have you darling, I would never have you in the end. _

***

Ben was a weird kid up until junior year, and he never had any friends either. He certainly hadn’t ever thought he would make friends with one of the most popular girls in the school. Ben was used to eating lunch alone, no one really liked him enough to try and even eat lunch near him. It was two months into sophomore year when Rey had sat down next to him in the cafeteria. “You’re new.” She had said. “I’ve never seen you before but I don’t normally eat lunch in here.” He could understand why. It was so loud in here, but he hadn’t been at the school long enough to know where all the good places to eat were. “I’m Rey, by the way. And you are?”

Back then he had stuttered over every single word. He was a lanky nerd that liked anime a little too much and probably didn’t have the best hygiene in the world (although it wasn’t nice guy or  incel  level bad), who kept to himself all of the time. Rey didn’t seem to care though, because she excitedly introduced herself to him and took him under her wing. 

Subsequently, Ben immediately started to crush on her. At the time he blamed it on the fact that he literally had no other friends and had never really even talked to a girl before, he would tell himself that the stuff he was feeling wasn’t real and that it would fade. It was easier for him that way. He didn’t have to deal with inevitably painful fact that Rey wouldn’t love him if he admitted that he loved her. 

It was easier to convince himself that his feelings would pass for her. And during part of sophomore year, they did pass. Sophomore year sucked for Ben in more ways than one, Rey was the only person that he really was friends with, but it was also the year that he started to question his sexuality. That had scared the shit out of him. It was the brief point in time where he wasn’t interested in Rey, but instead in a boy named Armitage Hux. He was a real asshole, but he was on the football team, and Ben soon found out, in the closet. 

Hux had started flirting with him in places where he was alone and Ben liked the attention. Hux was the first person he slept with, and then he never talked to him again. This hurt, in more ways than one. It was painful to have the person who first helped you discover your sexuality randomly abandon you because you weren’t good enough, but Ben guessed that he should have expected it. 

“You seem sad,” Rey said. It was a week before sophomore year ended and she had invited him over to a little get together Poe, Finn, and her were having in Poe and Finn’s dorm room. She and Ben had gone to one corner of the room while Finn and Poe had snuck out to get some pizza and vodka (that they all knew that Ben wasn’t going to drink) “You want to talk about it?” Part of him had panicked, wondering if she had somehow guessed that he was hiding a secret. 

Would she be mad at him? Repulsed, even? Would she be mad but try and put on that nice face that he had fallen in love with earlier in that year? 

“I uh, I don’t know.” He said. “A lot’s been going on.” Rey was silent, staring at him expectantly. “There’s been something that I wanted to tell you, but I don’t know how.” That I was in love with you, but then I briefly had a fling with a guy and he left me, that I still think I’m in love with you and I know that I’m gross and disgusting and I’m sorry.

“Well you don’t have to tell me now if you don’t want to,” She was always so nice, smiling all the time. Ben wondered how she could be so damn happy all the time. He wanted whatever that was that made her happy, that made her so well liked and talented and smart. He was none of those things. Never was and never would be.

“I think that I’m bi,” He said. He thought that there would be an awkward silence, that Rey would say gross and that she would laugh at him, but that’s not what happened. He guessed that he should’ve known better. After all, her two best friends were gay.

“Okay,” She said, “thank you for telling me. That must’ve been hard.” The reaction was so mild but meant so much to him at the same time, it was so much better than every fucked-up scenario that his head was concocting. “You know that I’ll still be your friend no matter what, right?” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, really.” She said. “Why wouldn’t I be your friend?” He really didn’t know why she was his friend in the first place. Maybe she thought that he was a charity case of some sort? Maybe she took pity on him and thought that if she gave him a friend, she would get more popularity points amongst teachers. “You’re amazing, Ben. You like what you like and you’re passionate about it. You’re a good artist, and I think you’re really funny. So yeah, I want you as my friend and your sexuality isn’t going to change it.” 

Ben was pretty sure that that was the moment that he had fallen back in love with Rey, and even harder than he had before. Then they went home for summer break, and Ben started working out. 

***

_ I sit here, hands stretched, eternally grasping onto people for a connection, but everyone passes me by. Everyone except you.  _

***

Rey had spent the last part of the summer wanting to forget the first part of the summer, so she started doing things that she knew that she would regret. She took up smoking, mostly herbal cigarettes that didn’t smell like ass, but every once and a while the regular shit that you could get from your shady ass gas station. Her father would be concerned when she would come home, asking her if she was high or drunk. She wouldn’t tell him anything. She wouldn’t tell him why she was starting to act like that. 

He didn’t need to be bothered by any of that stuff. He was already burdened enough with some sickness that he refused to go to the doctor for, he didn’t need to worry about what she was going through. The less harmful things that Rey did to forget was watch teen movies. Some movies were great, like The Breakfast Club. That one would always be one of her favorite movies. She was pretty sure that she had watched it about eighty-two times. Other movies weren’t so great, to say the least. 

In corny teen movies, the nerd always went home over the summer and came back hot. Rey had always laughed at that trope. She never found it realistic, and would often make fun of it. “You’re overanalyzing things.” Poe would tell her. “Just enjoy the fucking movie, babe.” It seemed that as a joke to her, the trope that she hated so much would happen in real life. It was the first day before classes started, and Rey was in her room with a new girl. She introduced herself as Rose and Rey reckoned that she was simultaneously the shiest and cutest girl that she had ever seen in her entire life. 

The two of them talked for a bit before she got a text from Finn.

**_ Fucknugget69:  _ ** _ have you seen ben yet????  _

**_ Rey:  _ ** _ no, why?  _

**_ Fucknugget69:  _ ** _ oh babe...  _

That was the vaguest thing that he could’ve said and it filled her with a sense of dread and anxiety. She hated that feeling. “I’m going to meet my friends,” Rey told her roommate, “would you like to come with me? I could introduce you?” Rose had turned a bright red and told her that she would come another time. Rey ducked out without another word and ran as fast as she could to go meet up with Finn and Poe. 

“Have you seen him yet?” Poe asked. 

“No,” Rey said. 

“He went to go put his bags up but he’ll come down in a minute,” Finn said. 

“What’s going on?” Now Rey was just utterly confused, “did he get in some freak accident and get deformed or something? Why are you guys making such a big deal out of it?” Someone on hot wheels rolled by and nearly knocked Rey over. All three of them groaned about how annoying freshmen were and Rey opened her mouth to speak again. 

That’s when Ben came back and... 

Shit, he got hot. He still had his glasses but he shot up a few more inches, he had already been taller than Rey but now he was taller, and he had been working out. It was doing wonders for him obviously. He had also started taking better care of his hair and god damn it, why was Rey finding herself having trouble saying things to Ben fucking Solo of all people. “Hey,” She said, “Damn you got big.” 

“Uh, thanks.”  He said, he seemed less nervous and when Rey hugged him, he was less tense than he normally was. That was good. He was more confident than he was before. Confidence was good. It was just throwing her for a loop. 

“You look really good.” Both Poe and Finn seemed to sense the awkwardness between the two of them and they both decided that it was probably best to fuck off. That was probably best, Rey didn’t know what to do or say and it was easier when there were two less people staring at her. 

Finally, Ben responded to her compliment. “Thank you.” He said. It was like he wanted to change the subject when Rey wanted to ask him what inspired him to have a complete makeover or whatever of his look. He looked good now, but she thought that he was cute last year too. She didn’t say that aloud either. “How was your summer?” He wasn’t stuttering through his sentences anymore. 

“How was yours?” Rey asked. She was hoping that her not answering wasn’t too apparent, and it wasn’t. 

“I went to a camp, and uh, worked out a lot. My parents ignored me as usual.” 

“Yeah?” The two of them started to walk along the path of the courtyard, the birds chirping in the trees. 

“Yeah,” He said, “their jobs are important and all so they just left the parenting to my nanny.” 

“At least you have someone,” Rey offered, “maybe your parents suck but sometimes family isn’t always blood. Sometimes it’s friends and others, like your nanny.” 

“Yeah,” He said, “yeah, Maz is great. She’s really great. What about you?” 

“I swam a lot,” She lied. 

“Have you done any writing?” Yes. Nothing good. Nothing that anyone but me would ever read. 

“No.” She said. 

“Oh, why not?” 

“Just sort of decided to take a break until school starts again.” 

“Sometimes breaks are good.” He told her. 

“Yeah, sometimes they are.” 


	2. Chapter 2

_ I apologize, my love. For how I act. I am so used to having thorns buried deep in me. I don’t know how else to live.  _

***

There was something off with Rey. He didn’t know how to put it but he thought that maybe because he had put so much effort in his appearance, something would change for the better. Maybe she would respond more positively to him? He wasn’t sure. Maybe Rey just wasn’t interested in him, which was okay, it really was, but it was still kind of disappointing. 

He tried to think about other things, about getting unpacked and settling back into his dorm room, but he still couldn’t get Rey out of his head. He was sharing a room with Poe this year, and he knew that Poe knew her better than he did. “Hey,” He asked him, “did Rey seem okay to you?” Poe blinked for a second before furrowing an eyebrow momentarily. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Didn’t she seem off to you?” Poe stared at him blankly. 

“She just seemed like Rey,” He said, “she definitely looked like she was into whatever you did over the summer though.” Ben rolled his eyes. 

“Doubt it,” She barely talked when they tried to catch up a little earlier. “She just seemed distant.” 

“I don’t know dude, she might be tired. Just give her a day or two, she’ll be fine.” He wished that he believed Poe on that front. Later that night, all three of them met up. Everyone was talking about their summers except for Rey. Halfway through the night she said that she was going to go out on the roof and smoke. 

“Since when do you smoke?” Ben wrinkled his nose at her. 

“Since I felt like starting.” Rey rolled her eyes. “If anyone wants, you’re free to join me, but I’m not going to force anyone to.” Ben had considered joining, but knowing that he had asthma was stopping him from it. Poe was the one to join out of the three of them, not Finn. He found that a little odd, but not out of the ordinary. 

“I’ll join you, sweetheart.” He said. “Be the lookout, you know?” Rey smiled and muttered something about how courteous he was. The door closed behind the two and Finn and Ben were left in awkward silence. 

“So,” Finn started. 

“So,” Ben mirrored. He was never really one for 

 conversation, and he wasn’t sure if Finn even considered him his friend, but he was always nice when he was around Ben. 

“Did you work out for Rey?” He asked. 

“Was it that obvious?” 

“Yeah,” Finn laughed, he laid back against the bedframe of Poe’s bed and rolled his eyes. “Everyone except Rey knows that you’ve been crushing hard on her since you two met.” Ben felt blush creeping up to his cheeks. 

“Wow, didn’t realize I was that obvious.” He shook his head. 

“Don’t be too embarrassed.” Finn told him. “You honestly look good, dude. And I hope that Rey notices that what you did is for her and the two of you get a happy ever after.” 

“But?” 

“But I don’t know. There’s something about her that’s off.” So, it wasn’t just him. 

“What do you mean?” 

“She’s smoking. She used to make fun of people who smoke and she just so happened to pick up a cancer inducing habit. Don’t you think that’s kind of weird?” 

“It is.” He said. 

***

_ I am more than just damaged, I am more than just broken, I am more than my trauma, I am more than anything this life throws at me.  _

***

Rey and Poe sat on the roof for a long time as Rey  smoked. Halfway through her first cigarette, Poe asked if he could smoke one. “You smoke that indie herbal shit?” He asked her. 

“Yeah,” She said, “why?” 

“Nothing, it’s just you.” Rey rolled her eyes as she offered him her lighter. The two of them were silent for a long time before Poe asked, “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, why do you ask?” 

“Nothing, really.” Poe said. “You just seem different.” Rey took a long drag on her cigarette, not really wanting to answer the question. She didn’t really know what to say. What would make it seem like she was the normal Rey that she had always been?  “You and Ben are usually stuck together like glue.” 

“Really? I didn’t notice.” She hoped that Ben hadn’t gotten some sort of standoffishness from her. If he did then she would make a note to apologize. She didn’t want to be a dick, she just wanted to pretend like everything was normal. “I mean, I guess we are. I’m just tired.” 

“What happened over the summer?” 

“A lot of shit,” Rey coughed a little, and then put the remnants on her cigarette out on the ground. The way she changed the subject was something that Poe had heard before. “Do you want to have sex?” She asked. Usually, Poe said no, but when he and Finn were taking a break, occasionally he would say yes. 

“Is that really what you want?” He asked. 

“If you want that,” Rey smiled at him, trying to make sure that he didn’t suspect anything of being wrong. “I have a condom.” She said. On the roof, there was a shed that was meant for the janitor that was hardly ever used and always unlocked. They went in there.

***

_ I can’t tell you I love you. Being vulnerable is too much of a burden to bear.  _

***

Rey came back with a smile on her face and she looked out of breath. Poe was smirking too as the two of them came in to their dorm again. “What were you two up to?” Finn asked. He sounded about as tense as Ben felt. 

“Just smoked and Poe showed me some memes. Almost got caught, had to run around a little before the security guard lost us,” Something told Ben that Rey was lying, but he knew that there were just some things that he shouldn’t press with her. So, he didn’t. The night didn’t last very long after that and everyone snuck back to their rooms. 

Ben was hoping he would get to see more of Rey the next day, and he did. She was in his World History class, sitting in the middle like she always did. Ben was going to join her when another girl,  Bazine  said, “Hey, Ben. You should come sit over here.” He got at least two other girls who were asking him to come sit by them. That threw him for a loop. Ben still sat by Rey. He didn’t know how to read the look on her face. 

“Hi,” He said. 

“Hey,” She smiled at him and he was started to feel a bit better about what had just happened. She had all of her stuff already organized and out on her desk. Her planner, ready to enter stuff into the syllabus, and the blue fountain pen that she had carried around with her all last year. “What’s up?” The bell rang that signified that there  were  two minutes until class was supposed to start. 

“Nothing much,” He still didn’t know how to hold a conversation, but he wasn’t as scared of Rey as he used to be. “I was just going to ask you if you wanted to catch up at lunch later?” 

“Yeah,” Rey said, “that sounds fun.” There was a lake near the golf course. No one was out there during lunch period, and it was easy to find a spot that was hidden away from everything. “Although I think that would disappoint your new suitor over there,” She rolled her eyes and he looked over to see  Bazine  batting her eyelashes at him. 

“That’s so fucking weird,” He muttered. He didn’t want any extra attention, he just wanted Rey’s. Everyone else had treated him like shit when he didn’t look the way that he looked right now. 

“ Oh  come on,” Rey rolled her eyes, “you can get all the pretty girls now. You’re so hot.” 

“I can’t tell if that’s sarcasm or not.” 

“It’s not.” Rey shrugged. “Personally, I feel like people shouldn’t be superficial. Personality should always be the thing that people focus on.” Maybe it should, because Ben didn’t like all of these people who treated him like shit before suddenly staring him like he was an uber attractive piece of meat, ripe for the picking. 

The class started and the two of them shut up. The History teacher was an older woman named Maz Kanata. She was kind and quiet but no one spoke over her or took advantage of her. There was just this aura around her that told everyone that pissing her off would not only be bad for their grade, but would just make them feel bad for being mean to her. Most of the class they just went over the syllabus and Ben doodled in his journal, only half paying attention. When class went out, he already wished that it was lunch time. He and Rey met outside, but not before  Bazine  blocked his view of her. 

“Hi,” She said, “long time no see.” 

***

_ My love, being vulnerable is hard for me, but I can say right now that as you are with someone else, these thorns that have been in my body bore deeper holes.  _

***

Rey wasn’t the type to pit herself against other girls. She really hated girls that did that, but when  Bazine  just inserted herself between her and Ben, Rey immediately felt a pang of anger in her chest as she watched what was going on. Ben adjusted his glasses as he was talking to her, and Rey could tell he was uncomfortable.  So  she tapped  Bazine  on the shoulder, she turned around. “Oh, Rey. Hi.” 

“Hi,  Bazine .” The fake voice that she put on with the people that she hated made her choke. She wanted to tell her to fuck off. “Ben and I really have to get to class, so maybe you could talk to him another time.” 

“Right.” She said. “See you later, Ben.” She winked at him and Rey felt like she was about to gag. The two of them were able to walk freely, but Rey noticed that Ben was getting looked at. Because of course he was, he got hot. 

“I have to go to Creative Writing,” She said, and then she turned up one of the school’s many staircases and left. She didn’t end up going to go to Creative Writing. For the first ten minutes of her skipping, she cried in the girl’s bathroom in one of the wings that didn’t have that many classes anymore. Then she got up, taking out her phone. 

**_ Rey:  _ ** _ Are you okay?  _

**_ Obi Wan:  _ ** _ Yeah, are you? Shouldn’t you be in class right now?  _

Rey knew that he was probably lying. She wished he would just tell the truth, but then again, she hadn’t been truthful to her own father lately. 

**_ Rey:  _ ** _ I am, I just miss you.  _

**_ Obi Wan:  _ ** _ That’s sweet, kid. I’m alright though, get back to your work. You can call me after school and we can talk.  _

**_ Rey:  _ ** _ Deal  _

Next, she turned to someone that she hadn’t talked to since last year. Jessika  Pava . She felt bad that she only talked to Jess when things were wrong, she felt like that was manipulative. It was pretty bad of her, especially since Jess was, well... She tried to deny the fact that she was in the closet, she tried to convince herself that she was straight and she didn’t have feelings for girls, but Rey knew differently. It wasn’t that Jess had any feelings for Rey in particular, but Jess needed a body, like Rey did. Someone to hold and pretend like she wasn’t alone. 

So  Rey texted her. 

**_ Rey:  _ ** _ hey, idk if you’re in class but I'm free _

Jess responded almost instantly. 

**_ Jess:  _ ** _ oh, so now you talk to me, I tried to talk to you all summer and you basically ghosted me _

**_ Rey:  _ ** _ im _ _  sorry _

**_ Jess:  _ ** _ what do you want _

**_ Rey:  _ ** _ I had a really shitty summer and I just need someone to hang with _

The mood of the conversation softened. 

**_ Jess:  _ ** _ okay _

**_ Jess:  _ ** _ you won’t ghost me anymore  _ _ tho _ _  if you want to keep being friends _

**_ Rey:  _ ** _ I won’t _

The rest of the time, Rey and Jess stayed in the bathroom, their backpacks on the floor. Jess had put her arms around Rey and the two of them sat together. Jess wasn’t the type of person who pressed for information, so the two of them sat in silence. Finally, five minutes before the bell rang, Rey asked, “How was your summer?” 

“It was okay, just starting to study for the SAT.” She said. Rey guessed that she should be studying for that too. The thought was overwhelming though. “I was inside a lot and didn’t really have anyone to talk to.” 

“That sucks,” 

“Yeah,” Jess said. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your texts.” Rey laid her head down on  Jess’  shoulder. 

“What happened?” 

“A lot.” Jess didn’t press. “It doesn’t really matter though, because ghosting you was a dick move and something that I shouldn’t have done.” 

“Well I’m glad you said that,” She said, “but now that I know that you weren’t having the best time of your life, galivanting around with a bunch of guys and partying it makes me feel a little better.” Rey tried her best to laugh. It sounded fake to her. Everything she said sounded fake to her though. It must’ve been convincing to Jessika though because she laughed a little as well. Rey got up and Jess grunted, Rey offered her a hand just as the bell rang. 

“Thanks.” She said. 

“No problem,” The smile she gave her made Rey’s heart hurt. She wished that she could genuinely just be attracted to her. Or be normal and not need someone with her, but sometimes she needed someone her own gender to hold her. She hoped that Jess would find a girl that liked her though. She deserved it. She was a sweet girl. The two of them came out of the bathroom before people started going in, and Jess whispered, “I think I met someone I like.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, her name’s Phasma.” Phasma was the only girl on the football team and everyone knew she was gay. The fact that Jess was admitting she had a crush on her was a big thing. 

“You should go ask her out.” 

“What if she doesn’t like me though? And I’m still--” In the closet.

“I say that you just go for it. Say fuck it, if she likes you great, if not her loss. You’re like the best person ever, so I doubt that she wouldn’t like you.” Jess nodded, thanked her for the encouragement and left. Rey moved to her math class, and then bumped into Ben when she left. 

***

_ Being a liar  _ _ hurts _ _ , more than anything. Especially when I lie to you.  _

_ *** _

_ “ _ Hey,” Ben had been in the class right next to her math class, for all chance encounters. He wanted to ask her why she had just randomly left like that, because when she did, he knew that wasn’t the way to the Creative Writing class. 

“Hey,” She smiled. There was one more period before lunch. Science. They both had the same teacher again. A meager man by the name of Mitaka. He was the type of teacher that was too petrified of his students to teach, so most of the time everyone was conversating. Ben wanted to talk to Rey more, but some guys had started talking to her, a few of them flirting with her. It made him uncomfortable, so he moved a little bit away. 

That’s when he was approached by a smaller girl that was probably the cutest person he ever saw. She looked new too. “Hi,” She said. Her voice was barely audible amongst the chatter of students. “I’m Rose, Rey’s roommate. You guys looked like you were friends and I wanted to introduce myself.” She looked like she was going to have a heart attack in trying to do so. 

“I’m Ben,” He said. It seemed that as soon as he was going to talk to another girl,  Bazine  was there to insert herself again. He really didn’t like that. 

“Move over, newbie.” 

She nearly pushed Rose out of her chair. 

“Hey, that’s not cool.” Ben readjusted his glasses as he stared down at the cheerleader. “I was talking to her.” 

“Well, I just thought that you would want to talk to someone that was more in your league.” 

“Or you could go back to your regular profession of sucking dicks for better grades.” The girl that came up behind  Bazine  looked to Rose with a concerned look on her face.  Bazine  turned around, about to retort something when she recognized her. 

“Oh, Paige. Sorry, this is your sister. Right? I was just going to help her out, knowing that she’s special and all. Just wanted to make sure that Ben understood her.” 

“If you insult my sister again, I will break your nose so bad that even a nose job wouldn’t be able to fix it. Got me?” She hissed. The teacher definitely heard that, and so did everything else in the room. It got quiet and  Bazine  flushed a shade of red. She went back to her seat after that.

Rose was plugging her ears and Paige sat down next to her. “Hey,” She said as everything returned to normal. “I’m sorry I had to do that, I didn’t embarrass you did I?” Rose shook her head no, that she didn’t embarrass her. She looked like she might cry though. 

“Hey,” Ben said, he reached for his backpack, grabbing a small keychain stress ball his mother had given him a while back. He gave it to Rose. “This helps me out sometimes.” It was in the shape of a  Pokeball . Just another side that Ben would always be a fucking nerd, no matter how hard he tried. Rose seemed to like it though. 

“You play Pokémon?” She asked. 

“I did a lot,” Ben told her, “but I haven’t gotten that much of a chance to this year.” The stress ball did help Rose. It took her a few minutes but she started talking to Ben more. 

“I have autism,” Was the first thing she said. “And social anxiety.” Maybe she thought that that would change the way Ben talked to her, but it didn’t.

“Okay,” He said. He would remember to be patient with her. To give her space. Whatever she needed. Paige smiled at his reaction, and Rose and him had more of a conversation. She talked about comic books and shows that she liked, and when Ben knew the show, he would talk about it too. The time flew by fast that way.

***

_ I am weak, I’ve been scarred by thorns, cut with glass, and I was too weak to stand it.  _

_ *** _

It was halfway into the period when one of the football players grabbed her ass and Rey panicked. She wanted to go sit next to Ben but getting up was a problem right now. He kept feeling her up too and she just sat there. She felt weak, her heart starting to beat harder as she sat there. “I swear every year you get prettier.” 

“Take your hand off my ass,” She said. 

“Oh, come on,” He muttered, “we all know you’re a slut. You liked it so much when I touched you like this last year.” 

“Well maybe I realized that I’m out of your league and deserve better, so if you want that hand so you can still play football, I would suggest taking your hand off my ass now.” 

“Damn, you better do what she asks. The bitch is  PMSing  right now.”

“And so are you, Ryan.” She smiled at him. “Imagine being so fuckin sensitive that you’re offended when a girl tells your friend no,”  That stopped them right in their tracks for the time being. When the bell rang, Rey felt like she was going to sing. She went over to join Ben, feeling Ryan’s eyes on her ass. She would ignore him though, she wasn’t going to let him ruin time with Ben. 

Ben was with two other girls. One of them being Rose. Unlike when  Bazine  was over there, Rey didn’t feel threatened. Rose was the nicest person that Rey had ever met, and she knew that she wouldn’t do anything nearly as bitchy as anything that  Bazine  would ever do. “Hey, Rose.” 

Rose looked like a deer in headlights, “Hey.” That was all she said to her. 

“We were just talking about comics, and stuff.” Ben said. 

“Cool,” Rey said. “Wish I could’ve joined.” She adjusted her backpack strap a little, not sure if she had interrupted the conversation and made everything awkward. All she knew was that she felt like a bother and hated it. “So uh, do you want to go to lunch?” She asked Ben. 

“Oh yeah,” He said. 

“See you later, Rose.”

“See you later, Ben.” 

Both Ben and Rey walked out in silence. Ben asked her if she had any food with her and she changed the subject. “So, how’s your day been so far?” She asked. The two of them knew exactly how to sneak out of the cafeteria unseen. No one was out on the golf course, and the brush on the side of it was the perfect hidden little trail for them to go down to the lake. 

“It’s been good.” He said. “Weird I guess,” 

***

_ Maybe, we’re the ones that got away from each other.  _

***

The both of them were sat down by the lake, Ben was eating a sandwich and Rey was eating nothing. The two of them looked out on the sunlight trickled down over the water. It was beautiful out here. “I think that I’m going to go to art school after this,” Ben blurted out. “I want to learn how to animate.” Rey looked back at him. 

“I think that you would be really good at that.” She smiled at him, but Ben thought that maybe was something was wrong. 

“You still wanting to be a writer?” 

“I don’t know,” Rey said. She shrugged, staring back out on the water. Rey was always so sure of everything she wanted to do. She was never afraid, and she was never the type of person to say I don’t know. “I guess,” She absent mindedly picked on a piece of grass.

“Well whatever you decided to do, I think that you would be great at it.” That didn’t seem to comfort Rey much. She gave him a half-hearted smile and then attempted to change the subject. 

“You  gonna  try out for a team?” 

“Fuck no,” Ben laughed. 

“Glad to see that part of you hasn’t changed.” 

“I haven’t really changed at all.” He said. “I just wanted to make me feel better about myself.” Rey was silent for a long time. 

“Have you?”

“Have I what?” 

“Started feeling better about yourself.” That was something that Ben didn’t really think about very much, but it hit him then... Did it help? 

“When I’m by myself, yeah. You know it’s not like I’m this pathetic white twig who likes anime and gets targeted by  incels  as a potential fellow woman hater. I feel healthier and happier. And then there’s being around people.” 

“Like  Bazine .” Ben took another bite of his sandwich. 

“Yeah, like  Bazine .” He shook his head, “I didn’t really think that people who were mean to me before would treat me any differently.  It  kind of hurts, just knowing that people are fake. I would rather the same people that bullied me last year just be the same and bully me just as much.” 

Rey glanced up at him, “That must suck,” She said. The silence between them was excruciating, and Ben didn’t know why. 

“Are you okay?” Ben finally asked her. 

“Yeah.” Rey said. “Why?” Ben wasn’t going to push. 

“Nothing, it’s just... we usually talk more than this.” 

“Well, I’m sorry that I’m not the amazing conversationalist that I used to be.” 

“Rey,” Ben said. Rey was already pushing herself up. “Rey, I didn’t mean to be rude. Sit down, lunch isn’t even done yet.” 

“Fine,” Rey sat back down, grabbing the pack of cigarettes that she had kept in her bag. Ben couldn’t object when she lit one and took a drag. 

“Rey, I was just saying what I said because I like being your friend, you know? And I feel like I pissed you off or something and I don’t know why. I just want to fix it.” Rey took a long drag before blowing out some acrid smoke and coughing. She shook her head for a minute before finally talking. 

“Consider it fixed,” She tells him. Then she changed the conversation. “I have a bunch of pirated movies on my laptop. You want to come over later and watch something?” 

“That sounds amazing.” 


	3. wish u were gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short update, im about to compete and had to write out my nerves aaaaaaaaaaaah  
> TW: One Homophobic slur, and some increasingly dark thoughts coming from Rey. No self harm in this chapter, if I do include self harm in any chapter coming up I will not describe it gratuitously.

_ I cannot stand the darkness, but I stay in it, because I have not ever known the light.  _

***

Rey didn’t want to be in class right now. She was listening to Luke give lectures about poetry and it was grating to say the least. Poetry had never been her  strongsuit , before she had at least tried. Right now, she couldn’t even put words to paper. She looked down at the pen that her father had given her. The smell of ink was making her sick. 

She capped it, not putting any pen to paper. She was hoping that Luke wouldn’t notice her lack of participation, or the fact that she hadn’t even been there yesterday. 

It turned out that  Luke noticed that she skipped on the first day of class. He held her back afterwards. “Hey,” He said, “where were you yesterday?” 

“What do you mean?” She asked. She knew exactly where she was. 

“You know what I mean, Rey. Don’t play dumb.” Rey rolled her eyes. 

“I’m not, sir. Now can I go to class?” She appreciated the fact that he even noticed that she was gone, she really did. But she didn’t want to talk about this any longer than she had to. 

“Is there something wrong?” He asked her. Rey blinked, trying not to let on to the fact that there was something that was in fact, very wrong. 

“Am I in trouble?” 

“No,” 

“Then bye.” She left his room without another  question, and went out into the hallway. The rest of the day was routine, but she and Ben sat in the cafeteria. Rey wasn’t eating, again. She still felt kind of nauseous after her talk with Luke. 

“You okay?” Ben asked her. 

“Yeah,” Rey laughed halfheartedly. “I think I’m already coming down with a case of senioritis.” 

“That’s understandable.” Ben said. The two of them went through another bout of silence before Rey asked him how his day had been. “Honestly,” He told her. “I just want to go home and take a nap.” 

“Maybe we could take a nap together.” Rey couldn’t believe that that came out of her mouth, but she didn’t blush, she buried that feeling deep in herself and watched as Ben flushed, and then fidgeted with his glasses for a second.   She quickly changed the subject again. “Have you been drawing lately?” He asked her. 

“Yeah, a lot actually.” 

“What’ve you been drawing?” 

***

_ Maybe I do know light, though. Because I know you.  _

***

“I had an idea for a comic,” The first time that Rey had asked Ben about his drawing,  Ben had been nervous to show her the things that he used to draw. He thought that she would probably be weirded out by his ideas or laugh at him and say that his art was bad, that’s how every other girl in his life had acted when he tried to talk to them about things like art. 

Rey didn’t do that. He showed her character sheets that he made for old games of Dungeons and Dragons where he had drawn the characters for everyone that had been playing. She was enthusiastic about it from the get go, Rey didn’t know a lot about comics and Dungeons and Dragons or anime but she would listen to him talk and enthusiastically babble on about it.  “That’s awesome,” Rey said, “Tell me more.” 

So  Ben talked for the rest of the lunch period, telling her about this story he had about a girl who had gone into the woods to kill herself but was stopped by a secret society of  fae  people. “I had an idea when listening to that one Irish guy that you listen to all the time.” 

“Hozier?” 

“Yeah, him.” 

“He’s really great for the inspiration.” Ben nodded, continuing on about character concepts and everything. Rey listened. She always listened. She never talked. 

The two of them walked out of the lunch room and finished out their day, both meeting up when they were done with their classes. Every time Ben saw Rey walking towards him, he thought about all the times that she wasn’t there. And how bad he felt when she wasn’t there. Now she was here, and she always made him feel better. 

If only they could be closer. That was never going to happen though. 

Ben could dream though. Dreams were the thing that he sustained himself on at the moment. 

***

_ Don’t mourn for me.  _

***

Ever since Rey had started going to this school, there was always this idealized version of herself that everyone thought was her that she hated. They all thought she was perfect. They all acted like it too. She hated it.  And then there was  Bazine . She heard the first ruminations of the what bullshit  Bazine  was spreading in class. She heard  Bazine  say that she was  sleeping with Poe, and although she wasn’t far off, that she had done that, Rey felt herself getting nauseous. When she walked out and saw Ben,  she almost felt relief. 

She walked up to him and smiled, pretended like there was nothing wrong. “Hey,” He still had that nervous tic where he adjusted his glasses, despite the fact that they didn’t need adjusting. “How was your day?” 

“It was okay,” She lied. 

“Yours?” 

“Great,” He said. “Tired.”

“Can I hang at your dorm?” She asked. 

“Of course.” He looked nervous, and Rey wondered why. He always looked nervous, but still. She didn’t know what it was about her that made him that way.  Maybe it was the way she was acting now that was making her nervous. Whatever it was, she guessed that it was just typical of her to fuck up stuff. “Are you okay?” He asked her when they had left the main hallway. 

“Yeah, why?” 

“I don’t know. You just seem far off.” Rey smirked a little, trying to play it off to the best of her ability. 

“Just thinking about things,” She said. 

“What kind of things?” 

“Like how I missed you over the summer.” That made him blush. Really hard. 

***

_ Is a lie wrong if you lie to protect yourself? _

_ *** _

The start of them hanging out consisted of Rey in

sisting on listening to the new Billie Eilish song that was released while the both of them were in school. Ben found himself relating to the lyrics more than he thought he would. The song was basically about needing a reason for a person to not like you, that way you could save face. 

It was a little too relatable. After she was done, she got on Ben’s bed and asked him if he had any homework. “Since when did I ever do homework?” 

“You should do your homework, Ben.” 

“Rey, I haven’t done homework since the sixth grade, what makes you think that I’m going to start now?” He sat down on Poe’s bed and watched as Rey started laughing. 

“So irresponsible.” 

“Eh, I’m getting eighties in all my classes anyways so I’m fine.” There was a long round of silence that Ben really didn’t like. Rey picked at his blanket for a few minutes and Ben really didn’t know how to carry on with the conversation. So, he asked again, and he should have kept pressing.  “Are you sure that you’re okay?” He could have sworn that he saw a flash of anger cross Rey’s face. It went away as quickly as it came across. 

“Yeah,” 

***

_ The lies keep piling up. I’m trying to protect myself though. You wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be like this. I know that you know what it’s like to be an outsider, but you don’t know what this is like. I would never wish this upon you either.  _

_ *** _

She lied. 

She should just tell him. 

She didn’t. 

She was useless. 

Really useless. 

She deserved everything that happened to her. 

She didn’t deserve a friend like Ben Solo. 

***

_ There is darkness in other people, but no darkness in you, my love.  _

_ *** _

It wasn’t a full week until the rumors about Rey and Poe sleeping together reached Ben, and they were all over the school. He didn’t know who started them, but he knew that Rey had heard the rumors herself and was sitting as far away from Ben as possible. He hadn’t seen her face in three days, and he tried to text her a lot. She didn’t answer. 

It wasn’t until Ben went into the cafeteria room for food that he found out who started rumors.  Bazine  walked up to him, despite the fact that he thought that he made it clear that he didn’t care about her or want to be close to associated with her.  Bazine  was the last person to be his type, and her awful personality just made her more awful and unbearable to be with. “Hi Benny.” She got really close to him, and he could swear his heart was going to drop. 

It was like that she completely forgot the concept of personal space was. “Sorry, I’m not in the mood to spoil my appetite.” She didn’t get the hint, just laughed and brushed the insult off. 

“Oh, Ben. You’re so funny.” 

“Am I?” The two of them advanced in the line. Ben wished that Rey would come over and interject in the conversation, but he hadn’t seen her come in in the past five minutes so she was probably skipping lunch.  Bazine  could not take a hint. Ben couldn’t really do anything because he knew that the teachers weren’t going to do anything. 

“I wanted to talk to you about your relationship status.” 

“What?” 

“I know that you’re a virgin and you’ve never dated anyone because you’re like, a nerd, but you’re really hot now and I thought that since Rey is sleeping with that faggot Mexican guy you would want to get in a relationship with me?” Ben literally felt like he was going to throw up. 

“Okay, casual racism and homophobia aside, no. I don’t want to date you, and I especially wouldn’t ever want to have sex with someone who starts rumors like that and slut shames other girls, which by the way, is really fucking funny considering that you’ve slept with almost every guy in the school except me.” 

A few people in the line heard what Ben was saying and he could hear them snickering.  Bazine  was red. “You’re such a dick!” She shouted. The whole cafeteria went quiet.

“Thanks.” Ben was getting pissed. “Glad you think so, bye.” He turned around in line and just tuned her out. He still wished that Rey was here. 

***

_ I don’t ever want you to feel like you didn’t do enough for me when I’m gone, because you defended me to the very end, even when I wasn’t there, and I appreciate that more than anything else in the world.  _

_ *** _

Rey could feel everyone looking at her. She tried to go into the cafeteria, trying to scan the crowd for Ben when she saw him next to  Bazine . She didn’t know what she thought, but she knew that she felt overwhelmed. She couldn’t be there. She left the cafeteria and went to Luke’s room. She knocked on the door and waited for him to open it. He did. “Rey, shouldn’t you be at lunch?” 

“I couldn’t be in there right now.” She wasn’t going to cry. “Is it okay if I come in here and write?” She smiled, tried to make him convinced that she was okay so that he wouldn’t ask that question. 

“Yeah, we got some new laptops if you want to try out one of those.” 

“That would be really nice, Mr. Skywalker.” She came in and picked out one of the laptops and sat down. Luke went back to his seat. He was reading some book, Rey wasn’t sure what it was and wasn’t sure she wanted to ask. His taste in literature was exactly like what she liked to read though, so after she logged in, she asked. “What are you reading?” 

“A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E Schwab.” 

“Is it good?” 

“Yeah,” He said. “I’ll let you read it after.” Rey thanked him before starting to write. She wasn’t sure what at first, and then the words just started to pour out. 

_ I don’t know when I first realized that I was lost.  _

_ “ _ How’s school been going for you, Rey?” 

“It’s been better.” She admitted. 

_ I don’t remember what choices I made to end up here, in this fog.  _

_ “ _ Yeah, senior year was a long time ago for me but it’s really not all that it’s cracked up to be.” He was right about that. It really wasn’t anything of note. It was just a bunch of stress that tries to glamour going into the real world when the truth was the real world was scary and cruel and relentless and no one was going to be ready for real life when they all graduated.

“Are you still going to study English?” 

_ Did I deserve this?  _

_ “ _ Yeah,” She wasn’t as sure about that as she had been before. 

“It’s okay if you don’t know right now, you know that right.” Rey stopped writing and looked up at him. “You want to know something about me that not a lot of people except for Ben’s parents know? And maybe your father.” 

“What?” 

“When I was a kid, I used to do a lot of drugs.” Rey blinked. 

“No way,” 

“Yes, way. I was really dumb and a hippie, but I did drugs for a reason. Not because I thought it was cool but because I was scared of life after high school. I wasn’t rich like my sister, Leia. I grew up in a different family and didn’t get wealthy until later, so I didn’t know how I was going to survive on my own or what I was going to do and it was really scary. But I figured out that no matter how sure people sound, they really don’t know what they’re doing either.” That made Rey feel a little bit better. Only a little bit. “It doesn’t matter what you do until you get there, though. Working, writing, painting, whatever you want to do. Also, don’t let people tell you that you have a time limit to achieve your dreams. It doesn’t matter what your age is, your achievements are always impressive.” 

“Thanks, Mr. Skywalker.” 

“I hoped that help.” 

“It did.” For the time being. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

_I know I can’t stop you from missing me. I know I can’t keep you from being sad when I’m gone. I want to make sure that you know that it’s better this way though. One day, you’ll be happier. And I won’t be there._

***

For once, Rey wanted to be happy. So, when Poe told her that there was a party happening a little bit out from school, she said yes. Because of course, why wouldn’t she? It took Ben some convincing for him to go too, but when Rey batted her eyelashes and said, “Come on. I’m not going to enjoy myself if you’re not there.” He rolled his eyes and said fine, and Rey smiled.

She was being honest when she told him that she wouldn’t enjoy herself if he wasn’t there. She really wouldn’t. Rey and Ben sat in the back of the truck that Poe had snuck in to come and get them. Ben looked a little nervous. Rey didn’t blame him. He wasn’t used to this sort of thing, and Rey felt a little bad for forcing him into this. “If you ever want to leave, just come and get me okay?”

“Yeah,” He nodded. Rey grabbed his hand, interlocking her fingers in his. She saw him relax a little. The two of them rode in silence as Poe and Finn tried to talk to her.

Rey answered every once and a while. She realized that she hadn’t really talked to either of them that much when Bazine had started spreading those rumors. Something in her hurt every time that she tried to talk to them and she hated that.

God they must think that she’s a bitch.

She tried to talk to them a lot that night, to try and make sure that they knew that she didn’t hate them and that she hadn’t changed. The only thing was that she had changed.

She wasn’t sure that she could really hide that. Get a hold of yourself, you’re supposed to be having fun today. When they got there Poe parked on the street and they all went in together.

It was loud, some shitty hybrid between white people dance music and trap music was being played, loud enough to be heard outside but not loud enough to have the neighbors want to call the cops. “You ready?” She asked Ben.

He nodded and they were welcomed inside. It was the typical party filled with dancing and drunk girls and some guys smoking weed. The smell of alcohol was making Rey sick though, so she stayed to drinking water from the tap and socializing with everyone that she could.

She hadn’t talked a lot of people in a while, and she missed it. She missed feeling normal. Everyone was nice to her too.

The rumor that Bazine had started wasn’t something that she had to worry about here. She was allowed to be herself right now. That was great for about an hour, and then she started getting hit on by guys in ways that made her remember things that she really didn’t want to remember.

So she left, she went out onto the front porch to sit down and get fresh air. It was a lot colder than it had been before. Not really freezing, but cold enough to make Rey shiver because she hadn’t bought a jacket. Ben was already out on the front porch.

“What are you doing here?” She asked.

“It wasn’t really my thing.” He admitted. “I got hit on by some girls and it was just kind of weird because they all seemed like the kind of girls that would pick on me last year. It made me uncomfortable.”

“That’s understandable.” Rey said. That always made her mad. People this year were being nice to Ben because he looked better in their eyes, more acceptable as to what they thought that guys should look like and act like.

“What are you doing out here?” Ben asked. Rey wanted to answer honestly, but she couldn’t.

“I got tired.” Rey said. “Needed some fresh air.” Ben nodded as Rey scooted closer to him.

She was cold as fuck out here. Ben didn’t ask her if she was okay, and for a moment she was glad. The two of them just sat there in silence for the longest time before Ben wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer.

Rey almost died on the inside, but she smiled, and kept herself composed. Did he know what it was like when he did things like that? Did he know that Rey liked him? “You should’ve brought a jacket,” He told her.

“Yeah, well. It wasn’t cold when we came out.” Ben rolled his eyes and took his jacket off.

“Oh my god, Ben. I’m fine.”

“I always come prepared.” He put his jacket over her. Rey remembered when his clothes would fit her too. His jacket seemed like it was made for a giant. It was warm too.

“Now you’re going to be cold,” She told him. “We can switch off.” He told her. Something told Rey he was going to make her keep it on the entire time they were out there. Rey rolled her eyes, glad that he still had his arm around her. The two of them were silent again for a minute before Rey talked again.

“You know, you’re the only person that I feel really safe with.” It was clear that Ben was confused by what she meant by that because he said thanks, and not much else after that. Rey wasn’t done making things harder for herself though, apparently. Because she said, “You must’ve worked out a lot over the summer.”

“I did, still do.” Something kept Rey from saying that she would love to see him work out.

“I just hope that it was for you and not because you thought that you needed to look a certain way because of a bunch of assholes telling you that you need to be a certain way to be a valid guy. I hope that you didn’t change yourself because I made you feel like you needed to change either.”

“Rey, you’re like the only girl who has ever been nice to me without another motive. Of course, you never made me feel that way.” He paused.

“It was more for me than anything. Now that I think of it. It just helped, when I work out I have something to do and I’m not sad or lonely.”

Rey wanted to say that she knew what being lonely was like.

That she knew what it was like to be sad. She didn’t.


	5. somebody catch my breath

_ I think you should find someone else. It would be better for you. It would be easier for me to go that way. I don’t know how much longer I can stay.  _

_ *** _

Rose looked Rey straight in the eyes and told her, “We’re playing Dungeons and Dragons today.” Before Rey could protest, Rose was handing her a character sheet and dragging her out into the courtyard where Paige, Finn, Poe, and Ben were waiting. 

“I don’t-” 

“You weren’t doing anything else and you looked sad  so I’m forcing you to play because you’ll have fun and you can’t stop me or get out of this because your boyfriend is over there waiting for you too.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend.” 

She knew that. “I know. You want him to be though.” That was right. Rey wanted to ask her such a good judge of character, because she wanted to have some of that, but she didn’t. She let her get forced into this game, but she enjoyed it. They spent most of the day doing a mini campaign that seemed like a whirlwind, but only because she enjoyed it so much. Rose was an excellent and emphatic DM and she seemed to have been desperate for friends to play with. 

Rey was pretty sure that she never had that before. 

She was at least glad to do that for her. When they all went back to their dorms, she told Rose, “Thanks for forcing me to do that.” Rose’s eyes lit up. 

“No problem, I knew that you would like it.” 

“I did.” She said. There was a comfortable silence between the two as Rey remembered what it was like to really have a female friend.  It was something that she didn’t know that she needed. 

“Can I ask you something?” Rose asked her.

“Yeah,” 

“Do you think that we could be friends?”

“I already considered us friends.” Rey said. That made Rose’s eyes light up. “I’m sorry, I’m just not really good at being friends with people.” 

“Neither am I,” Rose said, “so I guess that I didn’t notice.” More silence, Rey pulled back her covers and got under in her bed. She felt so tired. Her phone dinged. 

** Ben: hey **

** “ ** Can I ask you something else?” Rose asked her.

“What?” 

“This question might be a little too personal, but Ben talks about you a lot, and you just seem a lot sadder now than the stories that he tells about you. What happened?” That hit Rey like a truck. She said something before she could think of what to say for a lie. 

“I think I was raped over the summer.” 

***

_ I was running far away, I was dancing in the rain, I wish I felt alive but I can’t complain. I wanted to go home. I got what I wanted, but now I want to go back, back to my lover.  _

_ *** _

** Ben: hey are you okay **

**_ Read 11:10 _ **

** Ben: did I do something **

**_ Read 3:10 _ **

** Ben:  ** ** rey ** **  are you okay **

** Rey:  ** ** im ** **  tired **

** Ben: okay **

** Ben: is there anything I can do **

** Rey: I just want to be alone right now  ** ** im ** **  turning off my phone ttyl **

Ben didn’t see Rey until school started on Monday, which was the most time they ever spent away from each other. Even then Rey didn’t talk to him. It was weird, because Rose wouldn’t talk to him either. The both of them went to eat lunch together and he didn’t know if he should join them or not. Something weird was going on with Rey and he didn’t know what it was. She used to tell him everything and anything and he did the same for her, but after the party she didn’t talk. 

** Ben:  ** ** whats ** **  going on  **

** Ben:  ** ** rey ** **  you’re starting to scare me **

** Rey: idk why **

** Ben: how come we haven’t talked **

** Rey: because  ** ** im ** **  not obligated to talk to you every day, I told you I want to be alone so just let me be alone **

** Ben:  ** ** Im ** **  going to talk to Finn and Poe **

** Rey: okay, guess what they’re going to tell you **

** Rey: “chill and let her have her space”  **

Ben couldn’t argue with that.  So  he relieved stress. He went to the gym and worked out. He had a conversation with a coach who wanted him to consider joining a team, he said no and kept working out. Tuesday was clockwork, he wanted so bad to talk to Rey. It wasn’t fair. She always told him when something wrong was going on. He was the first person who knew about most of the things that were going wrong. 

That’s when he decided that he needed to get help. He went to his uncle, Luke. That was basically a last-ditch effort. “Hey, has Rey been okay in your classes?” He asked. Luke gave him a look, like he was trying to imply that maybe Ben was being a little invasive. 

“Yeah, her short stories she turns in are dark as usual but she’s been participating and everything.” At least one thing hadn’t changed. 

“She hasn’t talked to me since Saturday.” 

“And I’m supposed to be concerned why?” 

“I don’t know, I just feel like something’s wrong and I want to know why.” 

Luke didn’t open the door yet, just looked up. “I don’t think I should tell you this, bit since you are her friend maybe you’ll benefit from this. Her father has cancer and he’s not getting medical treatment. He’s getting worse.” Something hit Ben like a truck inside. 

That definitely made sense. 

He felt bad for probably making her feel like she was forced to talk to him. “Thank you.” He said. 

Ben didn’t confront Rey about her father. He just let Rey come to him. She asked him if they could go outside for lunch and talk and of course, he said yes. She looked like she hadn’t slept well in a while and Ben wondered if she had eaten recently. “I’m sorry for being a bitch.” Was the first thing that Rey said when she stepped foot outside with him. 

“You weren’t being a bitch.” 

“I was.” She said. “And I feel really bad for ignoring you.” 

“It’s okay.” 

“You shouldn’t say that it’s okay.” She told him. “Don’t let me have a pass because I’m me.” 

“Okay,” Ben said. Rey rolled her eyes. “What? What do you want from me?” 

“Tell me I’m a bitch.” 

“Well, I’m not one to call women names.” 

“Oh yes, such a feminist.” 

“Hey, I was raised by a strong Jewish woman who can put the fear of God into anyone by just looking at them. I’m not ever going to disrespect a woman.” That earned a harder eye roll, but she knew there was some truth to it. 

“You’re too good for this world, Ben Solo.” She told him. The two of them got to their usual spot but Ben wasn’t hungry today. He just wanted to be next to Rey. Instead they ended up laying in the grass, sharing earbuds. Aurora played over the earbuds as Ben closed his eyes,

_ Give me some love,  _ _ Give _ _  me some love and hold me tight.  _ Rey grabbed his hand. “When you were a kid did you used to imagine what it would be like to eat a cloud?” 

_ I went too far... “ _ You mean eating cotton candy?” 

“No, I mean like actual clouds.”  _ Begging on my knees...  _ Ben wanted to be here forever, but he knew that they would have to get up eventually. 

“Not really, I guess.”  _ Give me some love...  _ He found Rey scooting closer to him. 

“I want to live up there.” 

_ Hold me tight...  _

_ “ _ To be honest, the sky makes me sad.” 

“Why?” 

“It’s like the ocean,” Ben said, “it just kind of is vast and makes me think of how pointless we all are here.” 

“That’s why I like it so much. I’d like to think that maybe there’s something up there that actually does matter. Something that makes people happy.” 

“Like heaven?” 

“Yeah, like a heaven.” Rey said. “I would like a heaven. Doubt I would deserve it.” 


	6. Chapter 6

_My legs were weak, I pray that my mind will be good to me, I know that it won’t be though._

  
_***_

  
“We need to report this,” Rose said.

  
“No, we really don’t.” Rey told her.

  
“Rey, if there’s even a chance that you think that you were raped you need to go to the police.” Rey rolled her eyes and laid back down.

  
“Do you really think that I didn’t want to go to the police?” She asked Rose. “I didn’t go to the police because I didn’t need to. His girlfriend reported him for raping her, so he went to jail and he’s not going to get out any time soon. There was no reason to go to the police when he was already going to be convicted of a crime.”

  
Rose was silent for a long time before saying, “You need to talk to someone about it. It’s messing with you and I can tell.”

  
“I’m talking to you, aren’t I?”

  
***

  
_I’ve walked for so long in an eternity that wants to do nothing but hurt me._

  
***

  
Rey was dancing. Jackie and Wilson by Hozier played through a shitty bluetooth speaker as she cleaned up her room. It was Saturday and she was wearing a soft yellow dress that Ben had to say made her look even more beautiful than she already was. He didn’t know how that was even possible, but of course, it was Rey.

Rey was so beautiful that it wasn’t fair. It was never fair. Ben was sitting on her bed; Rose was out with her sister and the two of them were alone. “Why do you like cleaning so much?” 

  
“I have to make it fun in order to do it,” She told him, “but it’s fun when you think about the fact that you’re doing something productive.” She folded another shirt that she had. The way she was folding was different than before. “Plus, you know that show, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. Watching that and realizing that organizing can be easy helps motivate too,”

  
“Sure,” Ben said. He really just wanted her to stop for a few minutes and sit on the bed with him, but he knew that that was selfish. When Rey finished her wardrobe, she sat down on the bed anyway.

The two of them sat in silence for a while, just listening to Rey’s music through the speakers. Dirty Paws by of Monsters and Men came on, and Ben was once again reminded of how painfully hipster Rey was. That was okay though, it was a good song.

  
When the song was over, Ben asked Rey, “Poe told me that you used to sing, is that right?” It was something that had just come out in conversation a while back. But it stuck in his head for a while. Rey nodded.

  
“I wasn’t that good.”

  
“I doubt that. You’re Rey Kenobi, you’re great at everything.” Rey rolled her eyes.

  
“You’re full of shit.” She told him.

  
“No, I am not. Literally everything that I do, you’re great at. And even if you were bad at singing, I would like to hear you sing,” Rey turned off the music and turned to him. It seemed like she was going to placate his wishes.

  
“What song do you want?” After being put on the spot like that, Ben wasn’t sure what song. Rey rolled her eyes when he hesitated.

  
“Shake it Out by Florence?” Rey knew that song. He knew that much. She played it all the time.

  
“This is the only time I’m ever going to sing in front of you,”

  
“I guess I better cherish the moment.”

  
“You’re so weird.” She made a face at him but then got relaxed.

  
***

  
_Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive our darkest moments._

  
_***_

  
“I mean like an adult or a mental health professional.”

  
“I am fine, Rose.”

  
“No, you’re not!” She shouted. Maybe the strength of her own voice surprised her because the both of them flinched.

  
“I’m sorry.”

  
“Don’t tell me whether I’m okay or not,” Rey got up, suddenly feeling like she needed a smoke. “I'm sorry that I told you in the first place.” 

“Rey, I’m sorry.” It was too late; she was already leaving her dorm room. Rose didn’t follow her.

  
***

  
_I can see no way, I can see no way._

  
***

  
Ben looked at Rey in a way that she didn’t deserve to be looked at. Part of her was freaked out when she saw the way his eyes gleamed as she sang, she squirmed a little and when she was done, she felt relieved. He was still staring at her though and Rey didn’t like that. She didn’t deserve to be admired in any way possible.

  
“You’re really beautiful.” It just slipped out and Rey had a feeling that Ben didn’t mean to say that out loud, because when he did, he blushed and didn’t look at her.

  
“So are you,” Rey said. She got up, feeling an awful fluttering in her heart. She didn’t need to be here right now. She didn’t need to be doing this. She knew that what she was doing would only lead to the possibility that she was reading the situation all wrong and he didn’t like her the way she had hoped he would.

  
The two of them were silent for a long time again. Rey remembered the days when they could talk about everything and nothing at all for hours on end. She missed them. She knew that the reason that they weren’t talking was her fault though, and she knew that she couldn’t fix it, not matter how hard she tried to. “Rey?”

  
“Yeah,”

  
“Are you really sure that you’re alright?” He asked. Why did everyone ask her that question?

  
“I’m fine.”

  
“Because it’s alright not to be okay.”

  
“Yeah, I know. That doesn’t mean that I’m not alright.” More silence.

  
“I know that your old man is sick.”

  
Rey got up from the bed. “What?” Ben must’ve known that he fucked up. There was no way to come back from this though. How could he have known that? There was only one person that she had told about Obi Wan. Luke.

  
“Rey—”

  
“Get out.” He was still there. “Get out!” She shouted at him. He flinched, but he wasn't stupid this time. He left without another word. Rey closed the door behind her, not knowing what to do with herself. She elected to listen to music and cry until Rose got back or until she fell asleep. Monday wasn’t going to be a good day.

  
**

  
Rey didn’t speak during her entire Creative Writing period and Luke noticed. Of course, he held her back after class. He asked her if she was okay and if she wanted to talk. “Sorry, I don’t think I can talk with you anymore.” Luke blinked, obviously confused.   
“What are you talking about?”

  
“Don't act like you don’t know.” Rey hissed at him. “You know what I’m talking about, don’t play dumb.”

  
Luke knew. She could see it all over his face. “You betrayed my trust.” She told him. “So, I am going to finish out this semester and then I won’t be taking your class.”

  
“I think that you need to calm down, Rey. I was trying to help you, I thought that maybe if your peers talked to you about what was going on that would help you.”

  
“Well it didn’t.” Rey said. “I’m getting a free period next semester and you’re not going to change my mind. I just wanted you to know how fucking stupid that was.”

  
That ended up getting her a visit to the councilor, but Rey was good at acting. She was let out without another word.

  
She didn’t talk to anyone else for the rest of the week.


	7. when the party's over, part I

_ There is a town where the stars burn bright at night, and the sun is hated. In the night, everyone is out. There is school in session, and things happen. Life goes on at night. Flowers glowed in the moonlight and beamed. In the night, everyone was happy. In the night, everything was beautiful.  _

_ Okay, it was a lie to say that everyone was happy.  _

_ Everyone seemed happy, but they shunned people that seemed like they weren’t.  _

***

Rey wasn’t sure that she could survive the rest of the year, but she had one thing to look forward to currently, and that was homecoming. She liked school dances, which not a lot of people could say. And this year, the one thing that she really needed was for Ben to be the one to ask her to one of them, but after the way everything went down two weeks ago, she wasn’t sure that he would want that. She understood too; she really wasn’t her best self at the moment. (in a way it was unfair of her to even think that Ben should ask her to homecoming if she was in this state, but she couldn’t help it)  She wanted to do something normal with Ben, instead of being the burden that she was always being lately. 

Maybe he would ask her out. 

Hopefully he would ask her out.

***

_ Kira had learned how to make masks that would keep her and other people from being discovered as sad. Her masks fooled near everyone, except for one person. The boy that she loved always seemed to find a way to take them off. He always knew when she was wearing them.  _

***

Ben hated this time of the year. Everyone was so overdramatic about being asked out to homecoming when they knew for a fact that they were. Ben never got that, but now he had gotten three girls asking him to go to homecoming with them that he didn’t even know, and he subsequently turned down. He just wanted to get away from everyone and all this annoying shit. Maybe go play some Dungeons and Dragons with Rose. It turned out that even she was talking about homecoming. “So, Ben. Are you going to take Rey to homecoming?” She asked him. 

Rey hadn’t really talked to Ben much in two weeks. Something told Ben she was probably smoking or something else behind the school, and honestly, he didn’t need to know what she was doing. “I don’t think she would want that.” He said. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, we haven’t really talked in the past few weeks.” Rose looked uncomfortable as she shuffled around a little. Ben didn’t think about it at the time, but looking back on it, it was pretty obvious that Rose knew something that she didn’t want to tell Ben. He should have asked her about it. Should have gotten her to tell him about it. Rey entered their dorm right on time though. 

“Oh, hey.” She smiled at him, and for once in her life Ben thought for sure that she was definitely in a good mood. She set her books down on her bed and sat next to Ben, putting her head on his shoulder. 

“You’re in a good mood.” 

“Yeah,” She said. “I walked in and saw you, so of course I’m in a good mood.” There must have been something else going on. “Also, they had ice cream at the cafeteria and I had some so that was good.” 

“Ice cream makes everything better,” Rose giggled. She stared at Ben. Her eyes said,  _ go on, ask her.  _ And then she made an excuse about having to leave. Getting out of the dorm room as quickly as she possibly could. The two of them sat in silence for a bit before Rey asked, 

“What was that about?” 

“Oh nothing,” Ben just wanted to stay like this, with Rey so close to him. “Just talking about how  dickish  teachers could be. Shit like that.” 

“Right,” She got up, breaking the thing that they had going. 

“How was your day?”

“It was okay,” She said, “boring mostly.” Rey started organizing her room a little as she talked. “ Bazine  kept rubbing it in my face that she had been asked to the homecoming dance by like, twelve different guys. I asked her if one of them was the Football Coach and the face she gave me was amazing. Like I just shit in her oatmeal or something.” 

“Amazing.” Ben said. 

“Then she said that she was going to ask you out and you were going to say yes.” 

“ Bazine  is so not my type.” Ben kind of wanted to throw up. Rey laughed a little to herself. 

“What is your type?” She asked. 

“I like brunettes,” 

***

_ When Kira met  _ _ Kylo _ _ , he was sad. Everyone knew about it, too. That’s why no one talked about it. When Kira saw him out in a field of flowers, the moonlight flowers glowing around him, she was immediately enchanted. Kira felt her heart stop.  _

_ She walked forward, knowing that she just had to talk to him. “Hi,” The first time that she spoke to  _ _ Kylo _ _ , he nearly jumped out of his skin, his pale face was lit by the flowers, making him look even more angelic there. He looked shocked, like he didn’t think that she would speak to him.  _

_ “Hi,” He said.  _

_ “I’m Kira,” She held out her hand.  _

_ He stared at it for a second before shaking it, “I know who you are.” He said. “My name’s Kylo.”  _

_ *** _

“Mm, like Rose?” 

“No, Rose is nice but not my type.” 

“Shame, you two would be really cute together.” Ben couldn’t tell if that was sarcasm or not. He really couldn’t tell with Rey anymore. 

“I like girls that are way out of my league with brown hair and amazing smiles, ones with dimples when they smile and who crinkles their nose.” That was the most he could ever flirt with Rey. He wondered if it was too much. She stopped cleaning for a second, and then went into  hyper speed . 

“Interesting, I don’t think I’ve ever met any girls that are out of your league.” The both of them started laughing. “No, I’m serious Ben. No one is damned near out of your league. You’re fucking above everyone else. You always have been.” 

“Glad you think so much of me.” 

“Honestly, it’s bullshit that you haven’t thought that way of yourself. But at the same time, it’s good that you’re not full of yourself.” 

“Yeah, I wish I was full of myself though.” Rey stopped cleaning and sat down on her bed so she could get a better look at Ben. 

“And why do you wish that you were full of yourself?” 

***

_ Ever since they met, they were best friends, even though everyone else said that  _ _ Kylo _ _  would infect her. Slowly, Kira made him happy. Slowly, people started to accept him more. But then something happened over the summer. A pit of darkness rose, it’s obsidian cob webs tying Kira down, trapping her there, she couldn’t get out. Even if someone came by and helped her, her world was always surrounded by darkness that she would never be able to escape.  _

_ She clambered her way out, obsidian cob webs dissolving into her skin, making her feel like she was drowning.  _

_ *** _

_ “ _ Maybe I’d be one of the kids that finds school dances actually fun.” He felt like he said the wrong thing. Rey could tell it. Maybe her face was too telling, maybe she wasn’t as good at hiding her pain. She wasn’t sure what it was because there was a long round of silence between the two of them as Rey tried to grasp at st raws. 

The conversation ended and Ben had made an excuse to leave. Because of course he did. Neither of them was good at being awkward. Especially in these types of situations. Rey just wondered what was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she keep herself from being so fucking obvious. 

God, she was such a fucking failure. Before Rey had a chance to spiral, she heard Rose shout, “God damn it, Ben. You had one thing that you had to do, go back in there and ask her out.”

“I made it weird, also keep your voice down.” 

“Go fix it, I know you made it weird but you have to fix it.” He shouldn’t have to. Rey made it weird too. She could have been the one to ask him, but she was somewhat of a sucker for those old teen romance movies. Was it so bad that she wanted someone to ask her out?

***

_ Kylo _ _  noticed that there was something wrong. Because of course he did. He was hyperaware of everything, and Lily only made it worse. She would tell him every time he fucked up with Kira, and make sure he knew that he needed to do better. He wanted to do better, but he didn’t know what was going on with her. He didn’t know why she felt like she had to wear a mask.  _

_ *** _

Ben shuffled back into the room and shut the door. Rey looked up from her bed. “Do you want to go to homecoming with me?” 

“I thought you thought that homecoming sucked,” 

“That was me being bitter and an asshole. I know you like dances and I’ve never even been to one so I can’t say it sucked. I would love to go with you if you would like to go with me.” Rey scrunched her nose up. 

“Okay,” She said. 

“Okay?” 

“Okay, I’ll go with you.” She smiled at him, trying to contain her excitement. God, she loved him. 


	8. Chapter 8

Rey wanted to go with Ben so bad, but of course the day before homecoming she woke up feeling like her head was on fire. The first thing she did was run to the bathroom to throw up. Rose came knocking on the door, “Are you okay?” She asked. “Rey?” Rey could tell that the sounds were stressing out because the knocking stopped and before she knew it Paige had come in and opened the door. 

“Oh god, girl. What happened?” She put her hand against Rey’s forehead after Rey was done dry heaving. “You have a fever.”

“I’m fine.” Rey found herself trying to stand, and not having much luck? What the fuck? Why as this happening to her now? 

***

_ If he knew what she did to herself when he wasn’t there, he would never leave her. But she would never tell him. She didn’t want to be a burden.  _

_ *** _

Rey was sent home for the rest of the week with the flu. That was just great. Ben found himself thinking, why didn’t he expect this? Of course, this was going to happen to him. He didn’t go to the dance. He spent the whole time wallowing in  self pity  and wishing that she was here right now. He had texted her for a brief point in time. 

** Rey: Im sad **

** Ben: me too **

** Rey: I wish I was there **

** Ben: me too  **

** Ben:  ** ** ive ** **  been listening to your favorite music and trying not to cry  **

She didn’t answer for about an hour. 

** Rey: you should be having fun **

Another thirty minutes went by. 

** Rey: this sucks **

** Rey: I feel like I ruined everything **

** Ben: no you didnt’ **

** Ben: It’s not your fault that you got the flu **

Twenty minutes. 

** Rey: sorry it’s hard to look at a screen without getting nauseous rn **

** Rey: but it’s my fault I made you sad **

** Ben: I think you need some sleep **

Rey didn’t answer for the rest of the night, but halfway through the dance, someone knocked on the door. He opened it. Rose, Paige, Jessika, and Phasma were all standing in the doorway. “What are you guys doing?” He never even talked to Phasma or Jessika, but he knew that Rey did. 

“You’re not going to waste the rest of the night because Rey has the flu.” Jessika said. 

“Get dressed,” Rose said. She was holding a set of noise cancelling headphones. Ben assumed it was too loud in the gym. 

“But-” 

“You’re getting dressed, Solo.” Phasma said, “Now.” He decided that it was best if he didn’t argue with Phasma. He got dressed as they waited for him, dawning the suit that his mother had excited brought for him when he told that he and Rey were going to the homecoming dance together. 

“Rey texted us all and told us to make sure that you were okay,” He shouldn’t have told her that she was sad. “ So  you’re going to go to the dance with us,” Rose told him, “and you’re going to dance to at least one song.” Ben rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so pretentious.” She told him. “You don’t know if you’re going to have fun because you’ve never been to one. But I would try if I were you because you bet your ass Rey wants you to have fun.” She made a point that he couldn’t deny. 

So Ben tried. 

He tried to have fun. Poe and Finn joined him, and Ben danced through a few songs before going to grab one of the sugar cookies that the PTA had provided. He couldn’t lie and say that he wasn’t enjoying badly dancing with his friends but there was something that was missing, and that was Rey. 

He wanted Rey to be there so bad. 

When the dance was dying down and everyone else was dancing slowly, sweaty and tired, Ben snuck away to his room and fell asleep. That night he pretended that he had spent the night with Rey. 

When he woke up, he stopped feeling sorry for himself. 

** Ben: when are you coming back **

There was no answer. Not for a day. 

** Rey: ?  **

** Ben: When are you coming back? **

** Rey: Monday **

** Ben: ok **

** Rey: whats up  **

** Ben: don’t worry about it **

** Rey: That’s going to make me worry about it **

Ben had a plan. 

***

Rey came back on Monday, catching up on work as much as she possibly should. At the end of her creative writing period, Luke called her to his desk. She considered rolling her eyes and ignoring it, but she didn’t. She went to his desk. “Is there something wrong? ” He shook his head no. 

“You were out with the flu, weren’t you?” 

“Yeah,” 

“Yeah, missed homecoming?” 

“Yeah,” Luke scrunched his nose up. “Ben wants you to meet him in the gym after school.” Rey knit her eyebrows together, going to her next class. She realized that everyone was missing from the classes they shared with her. Which was kind of weird. A few other people were gone too. Some cheerleaders, a few kids from the Creative writing club, band kids. None of the teachers seemed to find that weird. 

** Rey: Where are you?  **

She texted him at lunch. 

** Ben: in the gym **

** Rey: what are you doing there **

** Ben: nothing **

** Rey: Ben...  **

** Ben: trust me? **

** Rey: …  **

She did trust him. The end of the day came and she ran to him as fast as she could. The gym looked dark from the outside, but she could see a glow of purple inside. She opened the doors and was greeted with a loud, “Surprise!” In the middle of it all was Ben. Rey wasn’t sure if she should cry or laugh. Some of the homecoming decorations were still up, Luke and Maz were at a snack table, and the AP had set up a speaker to play music from Paige’s IPhone. The get together of people was small, but Rey got the gist of it. 

“Did you really think that I was going to pass up on homecoming with you as my date?” Rey really was going to cry. He was perfect. She ran into him, hugging him as hard as she possibly could. That night, she forgot about her troubles for a little while. 

And that was important to her. 


	9. Chapter 9

Her father was getting worse. 

It was winter break and she couldn’t help but noticed the long, lingering wet coughs of a person that was going to die. She knew that there was something wrong with him, and he knew that there was something wrong with him too, but of course he wasn’t going to do anything about it.  She tried her best to ignore it. He got her a new phone , headphones, and a hundred dollar Apple giftcard. 

Rey tried to ignore that her father was dying, tried to appreciate the gifts for what they were, and not parting gifts from a man that wasn’t going to be in her life for much longer. Obi Wan Kenobi didn’t want a present from Rey this year, but she gave him one all the same. 

_ All The Reasons You Matter To Me  _

  1. _When you first adopted me, I felt worthless, and I was so_ _so_ _scared to come to your home. I had been to so many foster homes and so many people tore me down as much as they possibly could. You were different._
  2. _You showed me kindness in a world that I thought didn’t have it._
  3. _You became my best friend. You became my parent._
  4. _You gave me opportunities that I could not have had otherwise._
  5. _You gave me reasons to live._



She didn’t tell him that without him, there wasn’t much else that Rey wanted to live for. She had a list of reasons for the opposite list. So far, the list was at three. Obi Wan cried when he saw this list, the two of them ate cookies and he went to bed. That night Rey sought out a party, even though she knew that she shouldn’t. She put her phone on airplane mode that night, she did things that she wasn’t proud of, but it left her numb and at the moment that was all that she needed to get through the next few days. 

***

_ Reason 1: You are a burden, and it’s easy to tell that everyone knows that you’ve changed.  _

_ *** _

Ben invited Rey to spend Hanukah with him, she said that she could not. When he told his mom this, she reminded him about Obi Wan. He supposed that that made sense, but he didn’t know why she couldn’t just tell him things like that. She used to tell him everything. What happened? 

***

_ Reason 2: You’re a dirty slut who can only solve her problems by taking drugs or having sex, and even  _ _ then, _ _  your problems are still there.  _

_ *** _

Rose didn’t get to celebrate Christmas, she and her sister were often holed up in their room, their mom outside doing the dishes as their father got drunk. Rose had always wanted to celebrate Christmas, but she was never included, Paige always got presents. One year, Paige brought this up and said that Rose should get presents too, the day after Christmas their father had announced to them that they would no longer had Christmas. 

Rose knew why. Her father was ashamed of the fact that she was autistic, but there was nothing she could do about that besides mentally call him a dick. Rey called Rose at one in the morning on Christmas. “I have a present for you.” Rose had realized that she and Rey only lived about an hour away, and Rose had told her once she should visit her. 

It seemed like she was taking her up on this experience. “You didn’t have to do that.” 

“Yeah, I really did.” She said. Something told Rose that she wasn’t completely right. 

“I don’t think it’d be good of you to knock on the door.” Rose said. Paige turned and stared for a second. 

“Is that Rey?” 

“Yeah, it is.” 

“That’s fine, I can’t stay. It’s small, I’m sorry, but I remember you telling me about your dad, and your dad is a dick.” Was she drunk? 

“ So  I brought you guys some chocolate cookies because I couldn’t find a gingerbread house, and I got this sand art thing that I read was good for coping with anxiety and I know you like that kind of shit. So I was just  gonna kinda  hand it to you and leave.” 

“Our room’s on the first floor.” 

“Cool, cool. Sounds great.” Rose didn’t know what brought this on, but Rose opened her window and Rey sat down the sand art kit and cookies, silently gave her a thumbs up and left. She was pretty sure that she saw her leave with Jessika and Phasma. 

***

_ Reason 3, your father is dying.  _

_ *** _

_ “ _ I have a reason for you to stay,” Phasma said, Jessika was a little further ahead of her, and Rey knew that she was pissed. She shouldn’t have called her. 

“What?” 

“You said in the car when you were drunker that you wanted to die.” Shit. “I have a reason for you to stay.” 

“You don’t have-” 

“Ben.” 

Ben. Of course, it was Ben. It was always Ben. 

***

_ That’s it for now.  _

_ *** _

When Rey got back to school, she saw Ben drawing in his notebook in the courtyard. She forgot how beautiful he was sometimes. She sat next to him, wondering how long it would take for him to notice that she was there. It didn’t take that long. The smile he gave her was infectious, and Rey really didn’t know what to do with it. “Hey,” She said. 

“Hey,” Ben’s mouth quirked a little and he looked her up and down. “You tired?” 

“Yeah.” She said. She put her head on his shoulder. “But I’m happy.” 

“And why’s that?” 

“Because, you’re here.” 

“Was Christmas boring?” 

“It was okay,” Rey said, “I just like being with you and not having to worry about things.” Ben was silent as he rested his head gently atop hers. 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“Sure?” 

“What’s it like to have a significant other?” He asked her. Rey lifted her head and turned to face him. 

“What?” 

“You heard me.” 

“It’s uh, okay I guess.” Ask me. Ask me. Ask me. Ask me. “If you have a good one, it’s great. Why?” 

“I don’t know.” Ben shrugged. “Question just popped into my head.” 

“Right.”  _ Why don’t you ask me?  _ Rey closed her eyes. She wanted this year to be over.


	10. The End of the Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FAIR WARNING: REY IS SUICIDAL, that will begin taking more head in the plot over the next chapters.

Pain is something that everyone has to deal with. That doesn’t make it any easier. Rey used to think that telling herself that other people had it worse was enough to get her to be grateful for the situation that she had. Unfortunately, that wasn’t what happened. It would never be what happened. And that’s why she put one more thing on the list. 

Each day was ticking on by the seconds, each second feeling like years to Rey. She wanted to go home, but she was scared of what she might see when she went home. It was spring now, and she was almost done with junior year. She hadn’t talked to anyone in about a month, and she wasn’t sure that anyone had noticed. She wasn’t really sure she even cared that anyone noticed. She felt her soul shrink inwards every day, slowly dying. It was almost as if it was telling her that now was as good of a time as any to end it all.

It would be easy. 

It would be very, very easy. 

But still she stayed. She had told herself that she wasn’t going to let Obi Wan die alone. Once he was gone, well that was up for debate. 

** Ben: Can we talk?  **

Rey laid back in bed, staring at the empty space of white on the wall in front of her. Rose had been out at the time, so it was just her. 

** Ben: I want you to know that I care about you.  **

She hadn’t been able to write since Christmas, her well was running dry. It was so much harder to think right now. She just felt numb; no human connection ready. What made it worse was the fact that she was actively pushing people always from her. Because of course she would do that. She was an idiot after all, she deserved every bad thing that came to her. 

** Ben: I know that you’re reading these.  **

Rey sighed. It was time to stop being an asshole for about five seconds. 

** Rey: what do you want to talk about?  **

** Ben: I can tell that you’re upset about something, you haven’t spoken to anyone in a while and I know that it’s your business of what’s going on in your life and not mine. I tried to let it go on for a while because I thought that you would come to me eventually or go to someone, but I really need to know what’s happening. I want to be there for you and with you pushing everyone away it’s really scaring me.  **

Rey picked up her phone and called Ben. He answered immediately. “Do you want to meet on the roof?” Rey asked. 

“Sure.” He said. 

“Okay, I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Neither of them hung up until they both ended up on the roof. It was cold and Rey almost instantly regretted coming up here, but she knew that it wasn’t fair to Ben to not tell him anything. Ben should know something about what was going on. Rey didn’t say anything when she closed the distance between her and Ben. She opened her arms and he let her in. Rey was kept in his embrace for a long time, and she felt safe. She really did. 

That’s when she said something that she didn’t think that she would ever say aloud. “I love you.” 

***

_ Dear Ben Solo,  _

_ If you’re reading this, I want you to know that you are not one of my reasons for going. You were one of my reasons for staying. I don’t want you to think that you weren’t enough, because a lot of the times I stayed, it was because of you. But we both know that I’m a burden, so this is better for the both of us.  _

_ *** _

The both of them froze, and Rey wondered why she had to screw everything up so much. He was too good for her. At this point she knew how Ben felt. Part of her had always known that even though he was too good for her, even though he was talented and would get so far in life, he would always pick her over that. She hated that. “I love you too.” Rey kept letting Ben hold her. She didn’t push away from him, even though it felt wrong. She shouldn’t have told him this. 

It was just something else that was going to hurt in the end. Neither of them said anything for the longest time. It was Rey who broke away first, she sat down on the concrete, Ben following her. All of Rey knew that she was going to drag him down, even if she so desperately didn’t want to. 

She let him see her vulnerable. 

That was enough to start the process. Ben put his hand on top of Rey’s, and Rey smiled at him. They didn’t need to talk to know that neither of them had no idea what to do next. Rey had kissed boys, slept with them too, so this should be no different? Right? Wrong? Ben Solo was different from any boy that she had ever met. “Can I ask you a question?” Ben asked. 

“Sure,” 

“How long?” 

“Since the day we first met.” There was no hesitation in that sentence, and there was no doubt to Rey that sounded more desperate than she could ever imagine. “You?” 

“I’d have to say that you stole my answer.” Rey bit her lip, because of course, she knew that. It was easier to convince herself that she didn’t when he didn’t say it out  loud  though. “Are you okay?” He asked her. 

“Yeah,” 

***

_ None of this is your fault. It’s all my fault. All of this is my fault. You’re probably disagreeing with me right now, wondering where I would go so that you can stop me from doing what I’m about to do. It’s better if you just left it alone and never looked for me. I don’t want you to see me in any state worse than something that I have been cruel enough to show you.  _

_ I want you to tell Finn, Rose, Poe, Jess, Paige, and even Luke that it wasn’t any of their faults. Some things that happen can’t be fixed, even if you have the best people in the world surrounding you. And you guys really are the best people in the world.  _

_ *** _

_ “ _ I was just thinking about this whole big speech that I was going to tell you at prom.” Rey lied. “About how I would follow you to the end of the Earth, and I just kind of totally ruined that whole romantic scheme of mine but, you know. I guess that this was okay too.” 

Ben rolled his eyes. “This was more than great.” He told her. “And of course, you could always tell me that speech now,” 

“Fair point.” 


	11. my strange addiction

_ The best people in the world couldn’t stop a ticking time bomb from going off. Especially if that ticking time bomb didn’t tell anyone what was going on with it. You might be blaming me for not telling you what went wrong with me, what made me decide that this was my best option, and I think that’s pretty valid.  _

_ I’m pretty fucking stupid.  _

_ *** _

The summer was approaching fast, and so was the end of junior year. Both Rey and Ben had made their feelings for each other pretty apparent, but nothing had really come of it. Everyone had gotten busy with exams, and this time Rey not talking to Ben wasn’t that bad because they were both struggling over a lot of homework and reviews that neither one of them were having ease completing. 

Rey always smiled when she saw him, sat next to him at lunch and laid her head on his shoulder, or something like that. So, even though neither of them really got time to hang out with each other, it was okay. The small moments of intimacy that they had were enough for Ben at the moment. Part of him couldn’t believe the fact that Rey really said I love you to him. 

Everything was going really well, until one day it wasn’t. It was the last week of school, and everything had been going so great. Rey just retreated into this shell that she had been in after winter break, and he wasn’t sure what was going on. So, he asked Rose. 

He shouldn’t have asked Rose. 

***

_ Now for the individual goodbyes.  _

_ Finn, I wanted to tell you that your continued friendship with me has meant a lot. I’m sorry that I stopped talking to you. It’s not because of you. It was never because of you and I really don’t want you to think that it is. I’m just a bad person. I should have told you what was going on, but I didn’t want to be a burden. I’m guessing if you’re reading this whole thing with Ben, you’re sort of seeing a pattern.  _

_ Oh well, I can’t always be original in all of my writings.  _

_ *** _

Rey sometimes remembered more details about that night than she usually remembered. Things that would make her look over her shoulder and second guess herself. Some things that would make her wonder if she was really a bad person, if this thing was supposed to happen to her. 

Because before this, she thought that she had been nice to everyone, she thought that even though parts of her life were hard, she wouldn’t have been subjected to something like this. She remembered the way that her attacker smelled, how she was weirdly repulsed by certain kinds of soaps now. How the smell of chemicals had gotten on her and she used the most obnoxiously fruity body wash to try and mask the smell after she had gone to the police about what happened. 

She took three showers in one night that night. 

The police hadn’t believed her at first. 

Until someone else came with the same complaint about the same man to them. Then they started to believe it. The other girl was braver than Rey, she was willing to take him to court. Rey didn’t want to be there. She thought that maybe if she had gone, that man would have a harsher sentence than he had right now. 

She remembered the beer she had that night. It was a shitty Coors Light, because of course it was. And when Rey started to drink it, she thought that it was a little strong. But she chalked that up to her just being a bit of a lightweight. She wished that she had listened to her gut instinct and stopped. She still had a faint bruise from where her knee hit the bed post that night. Remembered the way his sweat smelled. 

The only way to explain that happening to her was that she was a bad person. 

That was the only way that she could accept that. 

“Hey,” Rose snapped in front of Rey’s face and she blinked, turning to Rose. 

“Huh?” 

“You okay?” 

“Yeah,” Rose stared at her for a minute, obviously not believing her bullshit. Rey didn’t blame her for any of it. 

***

“We need to talk,” Rey yawned as she stared at the outline of Ben outside her dorm.

“Okay?” 

“Rose told me.” 

Shit. 

“Told you what?” Why couldn’t she just tell the truth? Because she didn’t want people to know. She wanted life to go on as normal. Of course, she couldn’t have  that.

“Don’t do that.” 

“Lower your voice, asshole.” She hissed. “You’re in the girl’s dorm.” 

“Rey, it’s not time to joke. There has been something going on with you all year and I wanted to know why, so since you wouldn’t talk to  me  I asked Rose. Of course, Rose knew why you were acting the way you were and didn’t tell anyone because you took advantage of her not having any other friends and not wanting to betray your trust.” Rey was starting to get pissed. “ So  can you please, just tell me about that party? Tell me what happened, I can’t do this whole lying right to my face thing.” 

Rey bit the inside of her cheek. 

“That is none of your business.” She told him. 

“Well, I can’t do whatever’s between us when you’re lying to me.” 

“Fine,” Rey closed the door on him. 

Because of course, she had to screw another thing up. 


	12. 8

When Rey was little, she used to go up to everyone and  want to be there friends. Even though she was in an orphanage. She tried to be thankful of things she had, even though a lot of the time, the things she had were next to nothing. Rey wondered what she would think of herself now. 

Eight-year-old Rey would not be proud of Rey nowadays. Rey stared down at the pictures of herself that Obi Wan had managed to get from her group home. He had said that he wished that he had known of her sooner, so that he could’ve adopted her young enough to have photos of her in a scrapbook, like all parents did of their kids, he always said sorry for that. 

Rey always wondered why he would say sorry for not adopting her sooner, because at least he adopted her. Obi Wan was sick, and Rey knew that he wasn’t going to make it through the rest of the summer. He still didn’t want to do chemo, said that it would be painful and he was old enough anyway. Rey couldn’t convince him to do chemo, she knew that it would already be too late. She understood why he didn’t want it either. 

She probably would do that too. Dying in a hospital was depressing. 

Rey when she was a kid would insist that Obi Wan would do the most that he could to stay alive. Rey now just gave up. “Hey,” Obi Wan was sitting in his room watching the Price is Right when Rey knocked on the side of the door. “Do you want to play UNO or something tonight?” She asked. He smiled at her, and Rey swore that every single time her father smiled it was like the best thing in the world. 

“Shouldn’t you be going out and hanging out with that boy that you like? What’s his name? Ben?” 

Rey didn’t tell him what had happened between the two of them. “We could do that any time.” She said. “I spent all year at school and just want to spend time with you.” Because she didn’t know how long he was going to be there in the first place. 

“If you want, we could get out the Monopoly too.” 

“I would love that,” 

That first night of the summer was one of the best nights that Rey had ever had. 

They did this for eight nights in a row. 

On the ninth night of the summer, Obi Wan died. 

Rey left a phone call for Ben that night. 

He didn’t answer. 

She couldn’t blame him. 


	13. bury a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter through listen before I go have suicide attempt mentions in them, nothing will be graphic or sensationalized but if that makes you sensitive, please skip.

The funeral of Obi Wan Kenobi was a solemn affair. Rey had turned eighteen the last day of school, not making any deal of her birthday, so she could at least say that Child Protective Services wouldn’t be coming with her. Which was a good thing. That was the only good thing about the affair. Rey didn’t cry. She thought that she would have cried, but she wasn’t sure that she really could at this moment. She just started shaking. She thought that she would be the only one there. It turned out she wasn’t. Luke showed up too. The two of them stood in silence as she watched her father’s body get buried. “Are you okay?” Rey didn’t say anything. Her muscles just kept on shaking and she couldn’t stop. “You know that it’s alright to not be okay?” He told her. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She said. 

“I understand that.” He told her. “Do you need me to drive you home?” Rey had taken an Uber to get there. She couldn’t drive herself. She knew that she’d veer into another lane and kill herself and someone else in that instance. 

“I don’t want to put you out.” 

“Rey, you wouldn’t be putting me out.” 

“Still,” Rey, always the burden, always the girl that had to be pitied. 

“I just want to make sure that you get home alright. Okay, just let me do that. For my own sake of mind.” Rey didn’t know why that, of all things, was the thing that broke her down. He helped her to his car and started driving. She didn’t stop crying. They stopped at a Dairy Queen about thirty minutes away from her house. Luke ordered an Oreo blast for Rey and a vanilla cone for himself before coming back out to his car and giving it to her. She had to regulate her breathing before she said. 

“I don’t know that I could eat right now.” 

“Try,” He told her. “First  thing  that happens is you’ll be starving after you stop crying. Get some food now so you don’t get dizzy and faint.” 

Rey had the blast. The both of them ate and Luke drove Rey the rest of the way home. They sat in the driveway before Luke asked, “Do you need me to call someone for you?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Do you need me to make sure that you’re not alone here?” 

“I really don’t want to talk to anyone right now.” She told him. “But thank you, for coming. How did you know?” 

“The obituary.” 

“Oh,” Rey said. 

“Leia wanted to come too. Told her it might be overwhelming.” 

“Does Ben know?” 

“I don’t know.” He admitted. “Do you want me to ask him to call you?” 

“No,” She told him. “I’m going to go now.” She didn’t say goodbye to him. She didn’t have to. He knew that she appreciated the fact that he was there.

***

The next day, Poe and Finn came to  Rey’s  house and knocked on the door. She got up even though she didn’t want to. 

She pretended to be fine. 

***

The next day, Rose and Paige came to Rey’s house to hang out with her. She got up even though she didn’t want to. 

She pretended to be fine. 

***

The next day, Ben knocked on the door. 

Rey didn’t answer the door. 

He texted. 

** Ben: You home? I heard about your dad. I’m sorry.  **

** Rey: I’m out.  **

She lied. 

** Ben: When will you be home? **

** Rey: Just go home, please.  **

** Ben: Okay. Sorry.  **

He left. 

***

The next day, no one came to door. 

Two days, no one came to the door. 

Three days, no one came to the door. 

Four days, no one came to the door. 

***

** Ben: Hey, when will you be home? I think that we should hang out.  **

** Ben: Rey, are you okay? **

** Ben: I understand what happened between us sucked and I am so sorry about it. I just want to know that you are okay, and even if you don’t want to hang  ** ** out ** **  I just want to know that you’re okay.  **

** Message read at 12:30 am.  **

** Ben: Okay, at least you’re reading these. **

** Ben: I miss you.  **

** *** **

Rey hadn’t written anything in a month. She wrote something. She decided that it would be the last thing that she wrote. She put it some place where it would be easily found and started to make plans. 


	14. ilomilo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hurry, im worried

**_ July 5th _ **

** Ben: are you okay?  **

** Ben: it’s my birthday in a few days and I would really like you to be there **

** Ben: Rey?  **

** Ben: sorry I bothered you **

**_ July 7 _ ** **_ th _ ** **__ **

** Ben: rose asked me to check up on you **

** Ben: you know if you answered these and told me that you were okay but wanted to be left alone I would leave you alone **

** Ben: are you okay  **

** Ben:  im sorry **

** Ben: is there anything at all that I could do to make you feel better **

** Ben: rey, im worried about you **

**_ July 10 _ ** **_ th _ ** **__ **

** Ben: I just want you to know that I am sorry for what I said about you lying, and I didn’t mean that. I love you so much and I was just mad that you felt upset because you felt like you couldn’t tell me about something that happened. I don’t have the right to ask you about everything in your life but I want to be there for you and help you whenever you need it, because through everything you helped me.  **

** You were my first real friend and the only girl that didn’t pick on me and that was so important to me. You let me be weird and myself and you were so  ** ** so ** **  nice to me. You taught me how to be a person and not have really bad crippling anxiety and I want to do the same for you.  **

** Rose: Rey, I know about your father and I’m sorry. I want you to know that I really appreciate everything that you’ve done for me this year and how close of a friend we’ve become. I hope that you’re okay and I really hope we could hang and play Dungeons and Dragons some time.  **

** Jessika: Hey, shit man. I just heard about your dad from Ben. I hope that you’re okay. I really want you to know that I’m here if you need anything.  **

** Finn: Rey, please answer your phone. I want you to know that I love you and I have a feeling that you’re going through a really hard time but we are here for you right now. Things have been hard and we may never be able to understand all of the shit that you’ve been through, but we will stand by you. Please answer your phone.  **

** Poe: hey, can you please answer your phone? You’re really freaking us out, Rey.  **

** Call  ** ** From ** **  Poe at 5:37 **

** Call From Ben at 5:45 **

** Call from Rose at  6:00  **

** Call from Ben at 6:05 **

** Poe: Rey, I know what happened and I know that a lot of fucked up shit went down. I just want to make sure you are okay. We’re worried. Please tell us that you’re okay right now. This isn’t funny. We’re scared.  **

** Call from Luke at 6:10 **

** Call from Poe at 6:15 **

** 54 unread messages **

** 20 missed calls **


	15. listen before i go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry i don't know how, sorry there's no way out, but down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO SUICIDE DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER

_ Dear Ben Solo,  _

_ If you’re reading this, I want you to know that you are not one of my reasons for going. You were one of my reasons for staying. I don’t want you to think that you weren’t enough, because a lot of the times I stayed, it was because of you. But we both know that I’m a burden, so this is better for the both of us. _

_ None of this is your fault. It’s all my fault. All of this is my fault. You’re probably disagreeing with me right now, wondering where I would go so that you can stop me from doing what I’m about to do. It’s better if you just left it alone and never looked for me. I don’t want you to see me in any state worse than something that I have been cruel enough to show you.  _

_ I want you to tell Finn, Rose, Poe, Jess, Paige, and even Luke that it wasn’t any of their faults. Some things that happen can’t be fixed, even if you have the best people in the world surrounding you. And you guys really are the best people in the world. _

_ The best people in the world couldn’t stop a ticking time bomb from going off. Especially if that ticking time bomb didn’t tell anyone what was going on with it. You might be blaming me for not telling you what went wrong with me, what made me decide that this was my best option, and I think that’s pretty valid.  _

_ I’m pretty fucking stupid. _

_ Now for the individual goodbyes.  _

_ Finn, I wanted to tell you that your continued friendship with me has meant a lot. I’m sorry that I stopped talking to you. It’s not because of you. It was never because of you and I really don’t want you to think that it is. I’m just a bad person. I should have told you what was going on, but I didn’t want to be a burden. I’m guessing if you’re reading this whole thing with Ben, you’re sort of seeing a pattern.  _

_ Oh well, I can’t always be original in all of my writings. _

_ Poe, I’m sorry for using you, even if you agreed to it. I really don’t want you to remember me that way. The ways you made me laugh were the best things in the world. I really want to make sure that you know that you’re one of the best people I could’ve ever met.  _

_ Rose, you were the only genuine female friend that I’ve ever had. Not only did you stand up with my own shittiness, but you forced me out of my comfort zone a lot. I love you and want you to know that I know for a fact that you’ll succeed in life. You’re so smart and creative and nice and I love you.  _

_ Luke, thank you for being the only teacher that really cared about me.  _

_ Jessika, I’m sorry for using you too. I’m selfish. You knew that and yet you still cared about me and I really appreciate that.  _

_ I love all of you guys so much, but I’m not sorry.  _

_ Sorry,  _

_ You're not going to see me again but it’s okay. Don’t mourn me. It’s okay. I’m sorry.  _

_ *** _

The woods were a cold and unforgiving place at nights for most people, but Rey did not care. Rey knew that she had to make sure that she would take some place that would take people a while to find her. The Kenobi estate was a vast one with a thick wood behind it. There was one place where Rey knew that people wouldn’t be able to find her easily. A small stream you could only see if you passed a couple of small crawling places and walked for another half mile. 

She had a bottle of pills that she knew that she could take and end it that night. 

She knew that she had make sure that she wanted this. She slept there one night, without her phone. She left it off in the house. She slept another night. She didn’t have a phone. She didn’t have food. 

She knew that she had to end it. 

She took pills that night. 

***

Ben, Poe, Finn, and Rose had all driven to Rey’s house to check on her. It was a tense thirty-minute drive, and the whole time Ben’s heart was in his throat. He didn’t want to think about what could be waiting for him at her house. “She could be okay,” Rose tried to say. “She could be okay.” He wasn’t sure if she really believed that or if she was just trying to try and make herself feel better. Ben understood why she would say that. “You can stay in the car when we get there.” He told her. 

“I want to make sure she’s okay,” 

“We’ll get you when we find out.” He told her. If she wasn’t... 

Rose didn’t need to see that. 

Ben didn’t need to see that either, but he needed to know that she was okay. He should have come earlier. Should have insisted to see her. He should have known that something was wrong during the year and make sure that she was okay, should have done so many things and supported her so much more. 

He was such a piece of shit. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

When they got there, Ben barely had enough sense to park the car. He, Poe, and Finn got out. Rose took their advice and stayed in the car. Ben was the first to get to the door. He banged on the door for several minutes before Poe told him to move. He kicked the door in without another question. “Jesus fucking Christ!” Finn shouted. 

“If she’s about to commit suicide in there I don’t give a shit if I break a door.” It was four thirty in the morning when Ben found the suicide letter. 

***

It didn’t work. Rey nearly choked on her own vomit, but it didn’t work. She could try again or let nature take care of it now. She took some more sleeping pills and drifted off. She thought that maybe she should have figured out how much she needed for a fatal dose, as she did drift off. 

It would’ve been easier to kill herself that way, but of course, Rey was a burden. Rey was a failure. Those were the two defining traits that she had. 

***

_ “You know,” Kira told  _ _ Kylo _ _ , “a  _ _ peaceful _ _  death that returns me to the Earth would be a great death. I think that I could live with that.”  _

_ *** _

She wasn’t in the house. They looked in every room. She wasn’t there. 

Ben did the next logical thing. He ran out into the back of their property, he ran and ran and ran and ran and screamed her name. “Rey!” He called like he had a limited amount of time because he did. He really did. 

He needed to know where she was. 

He needed to see her. 

He needed to make sure that she was still breathing. 

He found her. 

For a  second  he saw a white dress near a creek and he stopped. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not her. Not Rey. Not Rey. Not her. It shouldn’t be her. “Rey?” The sound that came from him was almost inhuman. No. No. He ran forward and picked her up, expecting the blue lips of a dead girl. “It’s going to be  okay,  you’re going to be okay, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should’ve come earlier. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” She was breathing. He picked her up and ran back. 

This wasn’t happening. 

He ran as fast as he had ever run. Finn threw up when he saw her, assuming the worst. “She’s breathing.” They ran to the truck and got in. 

“Someone  make  sure that if she vomits she doesn’t choke.” Rose was there, petrified. She started crying as Ben looked up the nearest emergency room and started speeding towards it as fast as he could. He didn’t get pulled over thank god. They were there in ten minutes. Ben got her out and started screaming for help. 

She got put on a stretcher. “What happened?” 

“She tried to commit suicide,” 

“Did she take something? Do you know what she took?” Ben didn’t know what she took. They found a bottle of sleeping pills in the skirt of her dress though and she got wheeled away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey will be okay if you're wondering, I wanted this fic to be happy so I did not kill her off.


	16. i love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> btw Rey's line of thinking in this chapter is wrong but i remember after my friend attempted suicide and I called the cops on her this exact convo went down

Rey woke up in the hospital, and she didn’t think she could be any more depressed than she already was. She felt a little dehydrated and her body hurt, but that was the most of it. Ben was there. He looked so relieved that she was awake. “Hey,” 

“Get out.” Rey said. That was a change. He didn’t think that that would be her reaction, because of course he didn’t think that that would be her reaction. But how dare he? After everything, this was the one thing that Rey wanted and he wouldn’t let her have it. Maybe she had made a mistake by being so nice to him. 

“What?” 

“I told you, get out.” 

“But-” 

“I don’t want to see you.” She sniffed. She didn’t even look at him. 

“I-”

“You had no right to do that.” 

“To do what? Save your life?” Rey stared at him. He thought that this was such a good thing for him. Like he was some sort of savior for saving her life. It would have been more merciful to let her die. “This is bullshit.” 

“Didn’t I tell you to get out!” Rey yelled at him. 

“No, you know what? I’m not getting out. I’ve waited here for hours, scared as shit that you would wake up with some sort of brain damage and be handicapped for the rest of your life because you nearly died on the fucking table because of some stupid impulse decision that you made, Rey. I had to pick you up and see you pale and shaking after nearly thinking you were dead. Fuck no, I’m not going to leave.” Rey stared straight at him after that. 

“It wasn’t an impulse decision.” 

That made him turn white. 

“What?” 

“You heard me. That was my fifth try.” She rolled her eyes. 

“Rey.” 

“Leave me, like you did earlier.” 

“That is not fair.” He was starting to cry now. Maybe he would realize Rey was a monster. Maybe he would leave and not care the next time she tried, like she hoped that he would. 

“Leave,” This time she said it softer. 

She didn’t enjoy hurting him. He got up to go, but he stopped at the door and turned around. “I just, I want you to know that I would rather you live a long and happy life and be mad at me for the rest of your life. Then for you to be happy with me and dead, because I love you, and I’d rather live alone forever knowing that you were okay rather than visiting your grave every year.” 

With that, he left. 


	17. goodbye

Rey completed the rest of her senior year online. 

Ben missed her at school, but he saw her on stage at graduation. He was glad to see that she was alive. 

They parted ways. Ben went to college and went into animation; Rey published her first book at age nineteen. Ben worked on four kids cartoons that won several awards and critical acclaims from critics. Rey directed four music videos and even got to meet Hozier. She published her second book at twenty-one. Ben moved to California. Rey moved to California two years later and opened a gym that was aimed at helping domestic abuse and rape victims learn how to fight back, and had support groups for people with mental health problems. 

Rey worked on the script for a movie about a man who sacrificed himself for the woman he loved and woke up in modern times, trying to find her again, only to find out that she wasn’t as perfect as he thought she was. 

At twenty five, Rey spent some days in a coffee shop that Ben also spent some time at too. He was drawing in his sketchbook when a barista came over to him with a green tea latte. “I already have one.” 

“I know,” The girl told him. “But I was told to make you another one.” She set it down on the table and went back to work. B en stared at for a minute and looked at the cardboard holder on it. On it, a message. 

_ Hey, I’m a piece of shit. Want to talk? - Rey _

_ P.S look to your left _

Ben looked to his left. Two tables away from him sat Rey. She was staring at him, nervous. He sat there for a few minutes, dumbfounded. Then nodded, packed up his sketchbook and moved tables. The smile that lit up Rey’s face was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. It almost opened up old wounds. “Hi,” 

“Hi,” She said. She watched him sit down on the opposite side of her and they just sat there in silence for a minute. “Listen, I uh, weird coincidence.” She said. “But um, I miss you.” 

“I miss you too.” 

“I um, I wanted to reach out sooner but I guess pride sort of overtook me, and that’s not okay but I also am glad that I’m saying this in person.” She told him. “I’m sorry for all that I put you through. I’m sorry for screaming at you that night in the ER and I am so  so  sorry for just everything that happened during  high school .” 

“I understand. It’s okay,” 

“It’s not.” Rey told him. “You saved my life and I want to thank you for that. I need you to know that I’m grateful for that.” Ben nodded. He couldn’t really process that this was happening right now. “I want you to know that even though I am good, I still have some mental issues that I am working through  right  now, but I’m not suicidal anymore, and I just feel so fucking embarrassed for that night. I am so sorry.” 

They talked for hours though, about Poe and Finn getting married, about Rose running a start up for a new video game that was starting to gain popularity, about music, about writing and animation, and so many things that they hadn’t talked about over the years, finally they reexchanged phone numbers, and left. 

Rey messaged him within the hours. 

They met at the coffee shop, again, and again, and again, and again. “Will you be my girlfriend?” Ben asked her one day. 

“I thought that you would never ask.” 


End file.
